It's snow place to drive a car...

Well it's been a long hard winter over here in the UK. Snow fell on the night of the 18th December and since then temperatures have barely risen above freezing. Due to compacted ice, fresh falls of snow and lack of grit, the roads are becoming increasingly treacherous. My boys have lost numerous days of education and what, at first, seemed thrilling is rapidly becoming tedious in the extreme.

Fortunately, it looks like the weather is set to improve this weekend. Whilst today is traditionally the coldest day of the year in the UK, we are more accustomed to snow in February or even early March. Indeed, my father often recounted how, on a night in March, he drove through snow on a tractor to fetch the midwife to attend my birth. So what lies ahead in the months to come is, as ever, uncertain.

Our weather has always been somewhat unpredictable in the UK. Although never particularly extreme, it explains why, as a nation, we never stop talking about it. Will we be able to take our cucumber sandwiches and tea on the patio or must we adjourn next to the coal fire? It's a matter of the utmost concern for all and can generate conversation for hours and hours!

And as well as talking about the weather for yonks, if you're unlucky enough like Mrs T to have a family of back seat drivers, we'll also bore you to death with talk about motorways, route planning and how long it takes to get from A to B! And if you get bad weather and a long journey together it's sheer utter torture - like one of those dreams where you fall off a cliff and you just keep falling and falling into a dark oblivion......

All I can say is...

Thank goodness for Sat Navs - the best invention since chocolate!

Yep, now when I hear my sister in law mention the word "journey" I just put my ears muffs on, pour out the brandy and imagine her being beheaded.

I know, I know, I'm cruel - but hey my life's too short to die listening to a discussion about the time it takes to get from Penzance to Glasgow....via Birmingham....when the hard shoulder is closed and there's roadworks on the M1....

Anyway, unfortunately, my sis-in-law has just returned from being stuck in snow in a hell hole of a place (France) so no doubt I will shortly have to prepare myself for the usual description of gruesome journeys across the continent.

Mind you, that's not as bad as the entire evening I had to endure once of her and her ex hubby's trip to Canada - which could have been interesting except they spent about 3 hours debating whether or not a small black blur on one of the slides was a bear. I'm not saying I was bored but after 3 hours straining to keep a "absolutely riveted and oh so jealous" look on my face I started talking to the potted plants.

Anyway - I expect you are all curious about my car!

Well the news is that my infamous Cmax, which might have had a few "incidents" (about which I deny all knowledge) has performed admirably well in the hazardous conditions. It's got stuck a few times, slithered and slipped around but with the odd push, some high revs and some sweet polite nurturing (ho hum) it has been absolutely spiffing! Why I didn't even get cross with it today when it careered right across the road, hit a central reservation and got a little denty -wenty on the undercarriage! Indeed, I commended it for managing to make a matching pair; that little denty wenty sits so well with the other denty wenty on the other side from when I had my puncture........

Now here's a piccy of my car. Do you notice anything special?!




You can't see any dents??

True.... but this piccy is only taken from the rear. It doesn't look quite so good from other angles.

What else?? It needs a wash??

Yes, yes. Stop being pedantic on me!

Look harder! What are those little black spots on the rear bumper??

Why..... they're my new reversing sensors!! And guess what folks - I haven't reversed into anything lately! Hoorah! Rounds of applause and general merriment!!

Now finally... I guess you're wondering how wealthy I am with my own personalized number plate eh? Well, as you know, I'm not normally such an exhibitionist but just in case you haven't been following our news.....

This year we Brits are going back to the polls - it's a general election year - and I've started my campaign early!

Bring it on Gordon; I am gonna take you down!

Mrs T's Birthday Present has finally arrived. Yippee!

Well, I know you’ve all been sitting on the edge of your seats wondering what the Good Mr Turley has bought his beloved for her birthday. Now I’d like to say I was sitting on the edge of my seat too but alas that’s not possible; my bottom is just too big.

Well here it is… the present is… a…. satellite navigation system.

Yes, that’s right; a satellite navigation system. Apparently when we were in the traffic queue there was one on the dashboard of the car in front. Well, you know, I can’t say I noticed as I had my eyes focused on the road, two hands on the wheel and was concentrating on the business of driving at the time. Now, I always pretend to be concentrating when Mr Turley is in the passenger seat because he is a little “jumpy” when I drive. Which is really not fair because I’ve only had the one accident which you may recall was the other week when I reversed into a car. In my defence I have to say it would not have happened had not one car been illegally parked and obstructing my exit. I’m not going to mention the other wing mirror incident as I wasn’t to know the other car had wing mirrors was I? Aren’t they just optional extras?

Of course when Mr T is not in the passenger seat, I frequently drive with just one hand; this is because the other one is either unwrapping a bar of chocolate or winding the window down and yelling “What the hell do you think you’re doing, you’ve got 10 seconds to get out of my way or I’m coming to get you!”

Anyhow, back to the satellite navigation system. Well now I can heave a huge sigh of relief because, at last, I will be able to find my away around town without getting lost. Yes for years and years I have not been able to find Tescos, The Bank, or indeed The School. Indeed, I’ve rarely made it to school for the last twelve years and I’ve just been driving around and around in circles all day. In fact, I’ve been educating the boys in the back of the car whilst I’ve been driving and I can assure you they know the difference between their left and their right and what “Oh God it’s a one way system” means. (Deep shit)

So at last I’ll be able to do all those things that other mothers do! Hurrah! Of course, first I’ll have to work out how the Sat Nav actually works. Obviously I could read the manual but that’s a man thing in isn’t it? Oh how they love to be absorbed in a technical gadget manual for hours and hours until they’ve studied every minute detail. Where’s the fun in that? I like to work it out all by myself. It only took me about any hour yesterday to figure out that;

1. It won’t stick to the dashboard. Nope definitely not. It’s got some suction thingy on the holder with a clasp thingy that moves. But it definitely wouldn’t stick to the dashboard even when I threatened it with a) painful and merciless dissection and b) chewing gum.

2. It will stick to the rear view mirror… but then I couldn’t see anything behind me; probably not a wise idea as I have “delicate” manner of braking.

3. It would stick to the windscreen. For about 30 seconds and then it fell off… about 20 times because I just had to make absolutely sure…

4. It would stick on the panel in front of the speedometer but then I wouldn’t be able to see how fast I was going…..and Mr Turley would be most cross if I got a speed ticket…especially if I got one before him; he keeps trying but they don’t issue many for travelling at 30 MPH.( I’m not saying he’s slow but last time he drove us to town I took a packed lunch.)

Well finally after much huffing, puffing and cursing I managed to work out that if I did just the right thing to the suction thing in a sort of thingy manner you could stick it to glass but definitely not to the dashboard. I’ve now placed it on the driver’s right window in the corner where I can see it easily and it does not obstruct my sight. It does, however, prevent me from winding down the window….

Of course now I’ve got it to stay put I actually have to figure out how to use it… I tried for a while yesterday but then boredom set in so in the end I decided to just press “Home” for the preset destination Mr Turley had set for me. Can anyone tell me why it said “Make a U turn you are on the wrong road to The Channel Tunnel”?

On the subject of Instruction Booklets; why is that men spend hours reading ones for electrical gadgets but when it comes to DIY leaflets and self build furniture like that stuff from IKEA they barely even glanced at it? Have you noticed these leaflets usually give an approximate completion time? For example “This wardrobe will take about 1 hour to build” Strangely enough, 24 hours later he’s still at it and after you’ve discovered he’s lost several screws, broken a panel and you’ve supplied endless cups of coffee, headache tablets and you’ve filed for divorce he realises that maybe he should have the damned instructions…..


(Oh when I say “he” I mean that in a purely generic fashion as Mr Turley is obviously supreme at DIY.)

Sorry, I had a bit of a choking problem for a moment. Well yes, to be fair to Mr T he is quite handy with his screwdriver but unfortunately not so good with blunt instruments.

Now where was I? Ah yes DIY and cars. Well sad news folks, I no longer have my Volvo. The Old Dear was proving vastly uneconomical and had to be replaced by a more practical Ford CMAX with a diesel engine as Mrs Turley actually does a lot of driving (and I suppose one day that satellite navigation system might come in handy.)

Obviously, it’s been a bit of an inconvenience to have my tannoy system and missile launcher remounted but I did strike lucky as the garage mechanic took a fancy to me and fitted a machine gun and some spiky wheel scythes aka James Bond free of charge! So The Blue Volvo has finally been replaced by The CMAX. It has rather a nice ring to it doesn’t it? And guess what?... I’ve already got a little Renault Clio sticker on the side! I feel confident I can out number The Red Baron by the end of the year…

Anyhow friends I must go and tend to my housewifery duties and on a serious note Mrs T has fallen behind with her novel which she must finish this year so if I am not around so much or drop in as frequently as I have done do not be alarmed and I will drop by as often as often as I can…

Toodle pips for now….



© Jane Turley 2008