Un(literary) Quotes and a Little Bit of Silliness.

The other day I was over at the publisher Scott Pack's website catching up with a few of his posts. There was one I particularly enjoyed about tattoos in which Scott asked folks to drop him a line telling him which literary quote they'd like tattooed on their body.

Well, I was just about to put down my own favourite but then I thought... What the hell, I can make a whole post out of this. You see, I'm one of those people who love quotes in general. I even, and this may come as shock to those of you know me as a lazy, good for nothing slob, (which is pretty accurate) memorized one hundred  (Yes, one hundred!) quotes for my O level English Literature.

But do you know? Not one of the topics I learnt quotes for came up and I ended up with only a grade C.

How unfair is that? Huh.

Anyway, I can still remember a few - mostly from The Merchant of Venice. So don't get me started on old Shylock unless your some secret Shakespeare freak. Then we can compare notes.

Right, well, I read these other quotes folks had put down on Scott's blog. There were some good ones... but all so, so serious.

Question:  Why are people are so serious all the time?

This is a problem I have - especially with my novel. I want to be serious and funny. But that doesn't seem to be what publishers want. They want clear cut, typical genre fiction. They believe that's what the buying market wants. So...there are relatively few cross genre novels and, in my opinion, nothing really laugh out loud unless it some sort of factual book like How to Kill your Granny at Christmas or 100 ways to avoid a Parking Ticket.

But what I want to know is:

How the hell do authors such as Tom Clancy and Patricia Cornwell write hundreds and hundreds of pages and sustain all that sincerity without cracking a joke?

I mean, life's funny at times isn't it? Why can't we have some of it in fiction?

Hmm...Do you think Tom Clancy actually gets off on describing supersonic jets? (Apologies for the language Ladies and Gents.) But do you think that after six pages of;

The supersonic jet-propelled missile flew through the air, the titanium outer casing red hot and the internal wiring ready to blow to a fuse...............blah, blah, blah...blah, blah, blah.....

Do you think he legs it to the bathroom ?

What about Patricia Cornwell?

Scarpetta looked at the maggots protruding from the body. There were worms too, wriggling and feasting. One was so big it looked like... a small snake. A small, pulsating, vibrating, writhing snake.Scarpetta crossed her legs, she needed to go the loo but the post mortem took priority...she would have to deal with the maggots first before taking care of the snake....

Anyway, long term readers may remember I used to put literary quotes in my sidebars. So I thought - why not stick a few of them down that you might have forgotten. I will, of course, be putting my own reworked quotes underneath. Cos, your own quotes are much more interesting aren't they? I mean, quotes, unless they're really, really good, are like looking at someone else's holiday snaps. Okay for a while - and then you want to slash your wrists.

So here we go;

Dennis Potter wrote:

The trouble with words is that you never know whose mouth they've been in.

Mrs T says;

The trouble with chocolate is that you know its always been in my mouth.

T S Eliot wrote:

To become a great writer, whatever you do - avoid piles.

Mrs T says:

To become a great writer, whatever you do - don't get a big arse. It doesn't fit comfortably on a small chair.

George Bernard Shaw said:

I often quote myself - it adds spice to my conversation.

Mrs T says:

I often quote myself - it adds stupidity to the conversation.

Rudyard Kipling said:

Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.

Mrs T says;

Chocolate, is of course, the most powerful drug used by women.

Moliere wrote:

Good heavens! For more than forty years I have been speaking prose without knowing it.

Mrs T says:

Good heavens! For more than forty years I have been eating chocolate and now it bloody well shows.

Ursula Le Guin wrote in Prospects for Women in Writing:


If you want your writing to be taken seriously, don't marry and have kids, and above all don't die. But if you do have to die, commit suicide. They approve of that."
 
Mrs T says:
 
If you want your writing to be taken seriously, don't marry and have kids, and above all don't die. But if you do have to die, commit suicide by stuffing your face with chocolate; it's a lot more pleasurable than being hit by a train at 100 miles an hour. I approve of that.
 
And finally one of my favorite Churchillian quotes taken from my post The Rise and Fall of British Pants:
 
We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the field and in the streets, we shall fight in our pants and our vests, we shall fight in our socks and long johns; we shall never surrender.
 
Quality quotes there from Mrs T. There must be a literary novel in me somewhere. Maybe in my butt.
 
Got a good quote? Leave me a comment!

The Rise and Fall of British Pants.

I hope, Dear Readers, you have not been unduly concerned about my relative silence. I have indeed been struck dumb for a brief period by a most extraordinary event that has been the source of great consternation in this green and pleasant land. There has been a national scandal of truly tremendous proportions which has stirred the nation into vile and voracious argument. I have been lying prostrate in my bed, shocked to the core, by some terrifying news; for there has been unleashed upon the general public the breaking news that one of our most revered and distinguished broadcasters, a bastion of the BBC has soiled his pants…sorry his reputation … with the revelations that…

Jeremy Paxman’s pants aren’t giving him sufficient support!

Now I know “pants” in America actually means “Trousers” but in the UK pants are undergarments with a multitude of other names such as knickers, boxers, g-strings, hipsters, jockeys, y-fronts, thongs, briefs, shreddies and if your particularly common; cheese graters. In other words; they are items of clothing that cover your botty.

Or not as the case may be.

Because the fashion seems to becoming somewhat “aerated” over recent years. Why has this happened I just don’t know. Did it begin when Sharon Stone supposedly revealed all in Basic Instinct? Maybe. But the arrival of thongs has been the curse of womankind ever since. Pants just keep getting smaller and smaller and you know what... It’s a pain in the arse (literally) if you’ve got a big botty like mine. Yep, I like my derriere well and truly covered.

In fact the majority of women hate thongs because they are just so damned uncomfortable. If men were made to wear the equivalent, which is like wearing an overly tight elastic band, I’m sure they wouldn’t be wearing them just to keep the good wife happy.

And do men actually wear G strings? Please do tell. I’m happy to receive comments on this subject ( However, gentlemen readers please state if you’re extra small, small, medium, large, extra large or extra, extra large - as it may have an affect on the speed of my reply) Fortunately, Mr Turley doesn’t wear thongs and thank goodness for that ’cos I’d just die laughing. (I mean I like turkeys but I’m not keen on the dressings - except stuffing of course.) The only man fit to wear a g-string is Rod Stewart because any man who can parade on the stage in leopard skin leggings must also have a keen sense of inappropriate attire in the nether regions.

I do however have to admit to actually having bought a pair of Union Jack patterned thongs for my friend’s husband…. But this is because they already had 5 children and I thought it might be a good idea if she could see him coming.

Of course there are number of reasons why I DO like thongs and here they are…

1.With some sticks and dried beans you can make an extremely effective catapult. And if you wear your thong you can easily gets past security at the House of Commons and give Mr Brown the pummelling he deserves. (Keep the beans in your bra and say you’ve got lumpy breasts and that way you’ll avoid an intimate body search.)

2.Stuck on the motorway? You can easily repair your fan belt without any help whatsoever.

3.If you’re doing the DIY you can always use them as an impromptu face mask. (Make sure they’re clean though or you might have even more difficulty breathing.)

4.You’ve entered the three- legged race at the school sports day but they’ve run out of rope; whip off your thong, wrap them around your ankles and you’ll be away…..

5.When you’re out playing “jungle” in the local woodland you can cut them at one end tie them between two trees at ground level and make a useful tripping device. (And if you’ve got plenty of time you can dig a hole too and cover it with ferns; the kids won’t know what’s coming and I guarantee you’ll have a
quiet weekend.)

Anyway back to our esteemed presenter Mr Jeremy Paxman the host of Newsnight and University Challenge. You know, I’ve grown rather fond of Jeremy over the years. His arrogant, cynical attitude towards politicians, notables and indeed students has increasing appeal to me. (Not that I exhibit any of these traits myself; I’m a shy, sensitive gal.) I concur with Jeremy that most of these politicians need a right good whipping (and, of course, as we all know most students need a right good whipping just to stay awake.) In fact Jeremy makes me feel a little weak at the knees. (I’m only talking figuratively here as obviously with my somewhat stout disposition it’s a physical impossibility to be “weak at the knees”. Indeed, I was recently offered a position with the English Rugby Squad but I declined on the basis that they offered me my own changing room.)
You see Jeremy still has principles and in doing so he has now become a Crusader for the quality of Marks and Spencer’s underpants; a noble endeavour indeed. Because despite M & S protestations everyone knows that their goods aren’t the quality they used to be. No longer can you rely on your pants to stay up; instead you may find them round your ankles at a dinner party. And one thing us Brits like is security; we like to have faith in our pants; we want to know that they will withstand the test of time, an overdose of brussel sprouts and indeed invasion. You may recall the famous speech by Winston Churchill;

“We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the field and in the streets, we shall fight in our pants and our vests, we shall fight in our socks and long johns; we shall never surrender.”

A truer statement has never been made. Although, I have to admit I just don’t fancy Jeremy anymore; I’d always imagined him in Calvin Kleins and not holey, saggy M&S pants…..

On a final note, last year Jeremy gave a wonderful speech on the decline of British broadcasting which didn’t receive the publicity it should have. You can read in full at;


http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-files/Media/documents/2007/08/24/MacTaggartLecture.pdf

To which I say; well done Jeremy; keep the good work (and your pants) up.

© Jane Turley 2008