My top ten tips for Writers (sort of)

Okay, Readers, you'll just have to bear with me whilst I write this post as I know most of you don't come here to listen to me talk about writing. However, it’s come to my attention that at some point almost every writer likes to impress with their top tips for writers. Almost inevitably, these are a variation of the same stuff which makes it exceedingly dull - especially as it seems like everyone who's ever written anything at all - from a childhood essay which won third prize in the under thirteen "My Summer Holiday" category to retired pensioners who previously have only written exclusions clauses in their will -are all now writers. Writing is the new big thing: it's almost as exciting as wearing a onesie.

So accordingly, as an (almost) writer I’d like to give my own take on the top tips for writers. I think that's only fair. So here we go:

1. Most writers say:

Keep a notebook handy so you can jot down all those random thoughts that pop into your head in the middle of the night.

Mrs T says: 

Keep a luminous covered notebook handy so you have at least a vague chance of finding it when you have that "random" thought in the middle of the night. I still wish you good luck with finding it though as when I wake up in the night I am either so disoriented I wouldn't spot an elephant standing next to my bed or I leap out of it like Usain Bolt and fast-track it to the loo.  In my opinion, the only creative things a writer should do at night is have sex or get drunk or have sex and get drunk at the same time.

2. Most writers say: 

Write every day: get a routine and try to stick to it.

 Mrs T says: 

Don't forget to buy a yellow sticky notepad, stick it on a high visibility area on your desk and write on it: "I am a writer." Then after you've stared at it for an hour you can take your laptop down to the local cafe and pose artistically for an hour, sighing and moaning and looking all melancholic like an eighteenth century poet. Not only will you then have convinced yourself you are a writer but you will also have convinced everyone else – although a good percentage of them might also think you’re a twat as well.

3. Most writers say:

Read, read, read.

Mrs T says:

Read, read, read. In fact, read as much as you can except writers' discussion forums unless you are writing a young adult paranormal romance in which case you should definitely read all the writers' forums so you can hang out with other YA writers and discuss someone else's ideas in a really positive, awesome way. Hopefully, then you'll be discussing it so much you'll stop writing and the bottom will fall out of the YA paranormal market and the rest of us writers can make a collective sigh of relief that the reign of paranormal romance is over. We will then take to the streets singing:

Give me joy in my heart, keep me praising,
Give me joy in my heart, I pray;
Give me joy in my heart, keep me praising,
Keep me praising to the end of YA fiction

Sing hosanna, sing hosanna,
Sing hosanna to the King of Literary Fiction
Sing hosanna, sing hosanna,
Sing hosanna to Mr David Mitchell

Give me peace in my heart, keep me wishing,
Give me peace in my heart, I pray;
Give me peace in my heart, keep me wishing,
Keep me wishing for the end of paranormal romance

Give me love in my heart, keep me hoping,
Give me love in my heart, I pray;
Give me love in my heart, keep me hoping,
Keep me hoping for the break of Twilight

Sing hosanna, sing hosanna,
Sing hosanna to the King of Literary Fiction
Sing hosanna, sing hosanna,
Sing hosanna to Mr David Mitchell

As we non-YA paranormal romance writers sing we will rejoice in the fact that as the paranormal romance genre slowly burns out so will all the posts on the forums which begin "Hi, Everyone, I've got a great idea for a YA paranormal romance... 

Deep joy.

Paranormal romance - please, please, please, make it stop. Somebody, please. I beg you.

4. Most writers say: 

Don't over promote yourself in writer's forums it looks tacky and you will annoy everyone.

Mrs T says:

Hypocrites.

5. Most writers say:

Develop a thick skin. You will need it when the damning critiques and snide reviews come in. Remember you can't please everyone all of the time. 

Mrs T says:

Forget the thick skin. Just get a sense of humour. Particularly if you're in the middle of a writing a young adult paranormal romance. Haven't you heard? The market is crashing...

6. Most writers say:

Don't try to emulate other writers. Find your own voice.

Mrs T says:

Most writers don't know what their own voice is. However, the very best writers actually hear voices inside their head. Usually these writers are either mad or they are one half of a Siamese twin.

7. Most writers say:

Get a professional editor, especially if you're self-publishing. You don't want to look a jerk with numerous typos.

Mrs T says:

I absolutely agree. Can I also suggest that if you're writing a self-published young adult paranormal romance you also get a professional ghost writer?

8. Most writers say:

Don't use exclamation marks or use them sparingly.

Mrs T says: 

Bollocks! If you know when to use them, then use them.

9. Most writers say:

I don't review other writers’ books. It's not wise.

Mrs T says:

I do review other writers’ books. It's fun and one day I hope to get paid for it. In the meantime, I would be delighted to receive any free books, especially in the young adult paranormal romance genre.

10. Most writers say:

Don't use clichés.

Mrs T says: 

Don't use clichés and if you can refrain from writing anally retentive tips for writers please do that as as well.