A Fashion Rant and My Design for Rick Owen

Yes, it's time for my annual fashion rant. Hoist up the bridges, affix your armour and be prepared to do battle with a host of Mrs T's anti-fashion hyperbole and rhetoric.

Now, as usual, I manage to keep calm about the catwalk most of the time (even though most of the designers are clearly bonkers) until I see an outfit that is truly horrendous and my fashion steam gauge goes ballistic.

This happened a few days ago when I saw these pictures from designer Rick Owen's exhibition at the Paris fashion show. If you feel you can suffer the video footage the YouTube clip is below.



Now I've looked at this video several times. Apparently, the concept of female models carrying other female models is meant to be meaningful and saying something sincere about The Sisterhood. ( etc etc.)

Give me a break! I can read about that sort of feminist claptrap in The Guardian. But at least when I'm reading their diatribes I'm not vomiting over my keyboard.

Now it's not that I have anything against the idea of  The Sisterhood - I mean us girls having been watching each other's backs for years and many of us have been forced to wear sacks and babies on our backs since the beginning of civilization. So what we don't need is some overpaid, pretentious male fashion designer thinking he's saying something new and profound about The Sisterhood whilst his models have the indignity of having each other's backsides in their faces. Because, Mr Owens, us women already know what being a woman is all about and the difficulties we've faced and continue to face all over the world.

Also, Mr "Fashion" Designer, we don't want to see these poor women further humiliated wearing ugly, overpriced, ludicrous, not fit-for-purpose hideous carbuncles of clothing which are falsely masquerading as "fashion."

God, I am enjoying this rhetoric. I should have been a speech writer. If anyone out there needs one, I'm available for hire. Furthermore, you can get me for a reduced rate if you supply me with a selection of this season's designs from Marks and Spencers.

Now, I don't want you folks to think I haven't considered these designs seriously. I have. I also considered them alongside Rick Owens earlier fashion show which had men wearing designs with peepholes in them so you could see their assets.

Glorious. Just the sort of outfits I want to see when I'm picking up my kids from school or a loaf from the bakery.

Now we've all heard the argument that designs like these are just trend setters and when they translate into high street fashions they're more conservative.

So, in other words - the "women carrying other women" concept will become a very small backpack. Made of hessian. However, in Top Shop it will have sparkly bits stuck on it and a machine-stitched patch that says "Love Me, Love My Bag."

Joy. I so need one of those. I must ask Mr T to get me one for Christmas.

And the men's peephole garments will turn into...um.... um...ordinary trousers. Because anything else with a hole in it below the waist will result in being charged for public indecency.

So basically, the original designs don't translate into anything remotely similar and all this silly stuff on the catwalk is just exhibitionist, pretentious, arty-farty, egotistical fashion gibberish.

Rant over.

Anyhow, because it's a Saturday night and I'm in an artistic mood (and have nothing better to do) I've designed my own outfit especially for Rick Owens using his "peephole" concept. Imaginatively, I've called it "Man Wearing Romper Suit.". I am showing the "below-the-waist" rear view. Hopefully, Rick will wear it at his next show.

Thoughts on Paris Fashion Week

It's Paris fashion week. How jolly exciting. You may remember I reported on London fashion week a couple of years ago when the gentlemen's fashions made me slightly queasy. Well today, like any woman vaguely interested in fashion, I clicked on an article about Paris fashion week at The Daily Mail because, as it happened, I had nothing better to do in between scrubbing the bathroom and taking out the rubbish. I duly perused the photographs with due care and wondered how next season's fashions might influence my wardrobe.

Unfortunately, I decided that no part of The Paris Fashion show would influence me. In fact, I decided I would rather gouge out my eyes.

 (I read too much Shakespeare when I was young.)

 I also decided that the models all looked one of the following:

a) Unhappy. And, to be frank, anyone would look unhappy (sorry to be blunt) wearing the monstrous carbuncles ( I had to edit my first choice of words) that turn up on the Paris catwalks. The fashion industry hasn't got it yet has it? Unhappy people and faces are not inspiring. The only people who are likely to be inspired by the fashion industry are morticians.

b) Almost dead. The models are too skinny, too pale, too unhealthy. I've seen healthier slugs in my back garden. I don't think unhealthy people are that attractive or inspiring - not to look at anyway. And if the expressions of these models are anything to go by I'd rather have a conversation with a landmine.

c) Dead. Yes, I'm afraid the fashion industry's penchant for making young women look like they're laid out on marble is not an attractive one. Personally, I find the dead look pretty dull. I just don't know why these designers just don't go the full hog and design a range of mortuary gowns which, let's face it, could do with a bit of glamour. When I go to the pearly gates I fancy wearing something sensational not a converted sheet or a flannelette nightie.

d) The Living Dead. The Paris Fashion Show is proof that zombies do exist. I thought they only existed in films and literature but I've been proved wrong - they work in the fashion industry. Oh well, I suppose someone's got to do it. Rather them than me. I can't imagine living on bread and water or decaying flesh all year round. Cos you know what? I find wholesome food rather attractive.

You may have thought this was typical representation of a fashion model - but you're wrong. I have it good authority (mine) that this woman was recently excavated from from an Egyptian tomb. So, in all fairness, she looks pretty good after being mummified for 4, 000 years.

Okay, so now I've covered the modelling side of the fashion industry, let's get down to gritty details and discuss the fashion aspect of the latest Paris fashion show. Here's my succinct thoughts on the designs. They were:

a) Hideous.

b) Hideous and dull.

c) Hideous, dull and stupid.

d) Hideous, dull, stupid and overpriced.

However, I would like to say something about the hairstyles and the elongated fringes and the "I've just been caught in a hurricane with my pants down look" - it's great to know that the designers have taken influence from other areas of the arts - I immediately recognised the influence of Dougal of The Magic Roundabout Fame.

A model of Dougal. He normally wears a fringe or a comb-over but this time he's gone for the windswept look. Hairdressing and fashion experts take note: Dougal is hot news. Expect a range of dog collars, jackets and diamond studded leads to hit the market soon.