Vacuum Cleaners, Fleas and Men's Habits That Make Me Mad.

I was over at Paul Burman's site the other day gloating about the sudden death of a number of Paul's electrical appliances which had caused him a lot of anxiety. Alas, I should have known better - especially after my posting my blog Pride Comes Before A Fall. Yep, you've guessed it - as soon as I turned on my vacuum cleaner the blasted thing started making weird noises and emitting sulphurous odours. Yep, it kicked the bucket - good and proper!

I can't complain though about my old DCO2 (limited edition) Dyson vacuum cleaner - 12 years of sterling service. Dysons are so powerful they can even suck up up fleas! Don't ask me how I know that - I just do.  Of course, I've never had fleas in my house but I had a friend who did and she swore that a Dyson was better for rapid flea removal than any lethal potion. In fact, my friend was so good at  flea extermination she auditioned for the part of Ripley in Aliens. She didn't get the part though - some two bit actress by the name of Sigourney Weaver who had a DCO3 and a large water pistol got the job instead. Huh. Hard to imagine Sigourney Weaver saying Get away from her, you bitch better than me my friend who is exceptionally eloquent. Hmm... life can be a bitch a times....



Anyway, after the demise of my Dyson I mulled over the potential replacements. Being a philosophical soul, as you know, I came up with a few serious questions about electrical appliances in general;

1. Why do manufacturers always give products silly identification numbers? Now a DCO2 is relatively simple - but boy, some of those washing machines and DVD players' serial numbers are mind blowing! For example; I regularly see identification codes like DW121WCS28, DWE19121WD28 and WD122CWS27.  Now I don't want to state the obvious but all these long codes don't make it easy to recognise products when you're trawling though the catalogues. And have you noticed how these identification numbers always have a combination of the same letters and numbers and just when you think you found your DW121WCS28 at a bargain basement price on the net you realise it's another model because one stupid digit is wrong? Yep, this identification number process really screws me up. Why can't they simply call them  A, B, C, D, E, F ..... and so on. I mean how many models does a brand have? Come on, get real manufacturers; I don't want a degree in quantum physics just to work out your identification codes!

2. Okay, if it's not codes it names. And no, manufacturers don't have simple names like Basic, Standard and Luxury. They have names like; Featherlight Deluxe Senorita, Classic Gold Senor or Platinum Supreme Madame.

Now I don't want to sound facetious but really I couldn't give a monkey's arse about these names! And I'm intelligent enough (no spurious comments please) not to fall for the marketing ploy that wants me to believe that if I buy the Featherlight Deluxe Senorita vacuum cleaner I will suddenly become a light footed flamingo dancer swirling around my lounge with a sexy looking piece of suction equipment. Look, I know I'm bonkers but even I don't imagine myself making out with my vacuum cleaner! And well, whilst I know sometimes some more adventurous gentlemen are partial to vacuum cleaners I have absolutely no intention of sucking up to my breasts - not only do I not want breast reduction but neither do I want a conical shaped bra like Madonna.

3. Why do men always name their pieces of electrical equipment or cars? Are they bonkers?? For example Mr T calls his car "Bess." Excellent - you cannot imagine how many times I've heard how "Bess" has got Mr T through typhoons, hail storms and appalling blizzard conditions. Yeah, but what I want to know is can Bess make a beef hotpot, wash Mr T's shirts or clean the toilet?

 NO SHE ****** CAN'T!!!!!

And it's not just cars is it Ladies? Nope, every piece of machinery has a name! For example, take the tradition amongst pilots and soldiers to name their aircraft and tanks. Madness, complete madness.  Not only does the darn thing have a silly identification code like M4A1(76)W ( that's a genuine Sherman tank) but then they go and call it something daft like Matilda or Marilyn. Yep, I just love the idea of calling lethal weapons something so soft and fragrant as a woman....

Aw schucks, whata day I had! I took out two Panzer V Tiger IIs  and I was just about to go in for the kill on  a Panzer V Panther when a Limey in a MKII Matilda II pulled up alongside and nailed it in the turret! By that time the worst was over, so I climbed out and I was yelling at the Limey when we both noticed that the Krauts had called their Panzer "Helga." Man, we creased up! I ain't never laughed so much - so I went back and patted dear old Mabel. Why you'd never get me call my old girl anything as stupid as "Helga"...... 

Men. Don't you just love 'em!

Anyway, I know you're all interested to know what I'd call call my car, vacuum cleaner and a few other appliances if I named them. So here we go;

Car = The Death Trap
Vacuum Cleaner = Sucker (Possibly with the occasional slip of the tongue.)
Cooker = The Instrument of Torture (abbreviated to T. I. T.)
Washing Machine = The THING
The television = Mr T's Love Machine
My Laptop = Cupid
Vibrator = Brosnan

Oh and on a final note, here's a piccy of my late DCO2 limited edition sucker;

Umm.. I think you can tell from the colours why it was a limited edition!

And here's it's replacement; a Dyson DC19 Precision Bagless Cylinder;

It looks a bit space age doesn't it? Hey, that's okay - next time there's a dressing up day at school I'm going to strap it to Master Ben's back and send him as Buzz Aldrin.

Oh, for the Love of……Washing Machines.

Well, it wasn’t long after I’d finished posting yesterday when Usha left her comment asking me if I was going to be allowed a period of mourning for the beloved washing machine. She’s quite right, of course, an item that has served the household with such honour should be given the send off it deserves. However, Mr Turley in his eagerness to install the replacement which arrives tomorrow has already dragged it, huffing and puffing, out onto the driveway awaiting the Deliverers of the New Washer who are to remove it for the unwholesome sum of £15.

Now I’ve never known Mr Turley to be so generous in the disposal of any item before; he has cut up sofas, paving slabs, cabinets and various household accoutrements in order to avoid paying refuse charges. But not this time, his is unbearably eager for the replacement as he knows his life will not be worth living if it is not installed promptly. However, I have suggested a number of more attractive disposal options, including;

1. Burning it in the back garden in the manner of Darth Vader’s funeral pyre. Whereupon it’s spirit will arise and restore balance to The Turley Household. As a result, its replacement, Luke Warmwater, will have his powers increased and be able to spin at incredible speeds of 1600rpms.

2. Stuffing the drum with a small, but effective package of Semtex explosives, which I then will light when the next door neighbour’s cat is passing (just for the added thrill.)

3. Tying it to the back of my car and dragging it along the nearby bypass singing through my tannoy, “Give me joy in my heart, keep me praising…” while it breaks up into many small pieces which inadvertently puncture the tyres of passing boy racers.

4. Since the cooker is terminally ill, I could use it as an impromptu barbecue; I could light a small fire underneath it and place the sausages, oven chips and onion rings inside the drum whereupon I believe they would be appropriately burnt in the fashion there are normally accustomed. Excellent.

5. Burying it in the back garden in the area in which we normally dispose of the cat litter and planting a fragrant rose bush on top so that when it blooms it will always remind me of the many hours I have spent in its precious and welcome company.

Now, Ladies and Gentlemen to continue on a vaguely related matter, I wish to inform you that I am writing my own Dictionary. You’ve heard of The Oxford English Dictionary and The Collins English Dictionary… and soon to be on the market is The Turley English Dictionary. It will available for vast amounts of cash and hopefully make me a millionaire. Now it’s not a normal dictionary; it gives you the standard definition and then the REAL definition of the word. So I’ve just checked what I’ve written for Washing Machine and this it what it says;

Common definition; a square shaped inanimate object used for the cleaning of clothes. It holds no interest for men even though it has a round door which opens and closes with ease without any required foreplay.

Genuine definition; a short, fat woman in her forties, highly animated but with very sore hands.

If you’d like to add to these definitions please leave a comment as I’m still at the drafting stage. Just for your interest here are a couple of my other recent definitions;

Vacuum Cleaner.

Common Definition; a heavy, oblong or circular shaped object which is the cause of much earache. Used for the removal of fluff and dust from the households of over zealous husbands afflicted by the disorder Cleanus Upperus, which causes a life time of agony and unadulterated madness for their unfortunate partner.

Genuine definition; a short, fat woman in her forties with a large space between her ears.

I’m working on the genuine definition of Umbrella at the moment to which I’ve come up with…….

Posh Spice.

Again, if you have anything further to add please leave a comment.

And now my friends I must go… Happy Washing Everyone!

Oh and if you fancy watching Darth Vader going up in smoke and imagining the alternatives, here's the link;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIaYfLkpCdg

© Jane Turley 2008