Equality and Diversity. Yeah, right.

Okay, so this is a rant. I figure I need one. I've been working too hard and need to let off some steam.

So let's talk about equality and diversity. Now those of you who have read this blog for a long time know I'm a gentle, fair minded soul.  I believe in equality. I have absolutely nothing against small people called Tom who star in major movies and who may or may not wear platforms. In fact, I defend every man's right to wear platforms. It's a free world and let's face it - some people would have difficulty looking over the sweet counter without heels.

Anyway, I recently filled out a job application form which wanted to know my sexual orientation. ( The student advisor job - see a previous rant.)  Well, I have to admit I was a bit taken aback by such boldness and I felt rather like rolling up the application form and sticking it right up their backsides... then I thought that might suggest peculiar sexual fetishes so maybe that wasn't actually a good idea. Not that I have anything against rolled up application forms - just not up the backside. On the backside is a different matter of course - but let's not go there - this a clean site. Well so I keep telling Mr T. Mind you, he still thinks this is a blog about flower arranging.

So, here's a question. By asking my sexual orientation are employers/gov really monitoring statistics or are they indulging in positive discrimination? You tell me. Was I right to be a little upset? Now don't forget Readers I have been away from the job market for a long, long time so I'm used to that old fashioned concept that you select the best man or woman for the job - so why do employers need to know my sexual orientation? We have a population census every 10 years which monitor such statistics. I'm not convinced that all this statistics are used innocently - but please feel free to correct me if you think otherwise.

Despite my reservations, eventually I managed to fill in the application form by gritting my teeth and taping my mouth shut. However, I've since thought of some alternative answers to the question...

What is your sexual orientation?


Here we go...


My sexual orientation is...

1. Saturday nights after a curry and 3 glasses of wine.

2. Dangling from the ceiling.

3. I just chuck the car keys in the centre of the table and hope for the best.

4. I haven't had sex since 1991. My children are adopted and my husband got his balls torn off in a rugby match.

5. I get my kicks watching small people perform ridiculously stupid stunts whilst wearing platforms and a pretend bullet proof vest.

6. I fantasize about setting fire to Russell Brand.

7. I'm a farmer. It's a private matter.

8. I have this thing about Nutella and currant buns.

9. Somewhere in the Bahamas. Alternatively, in the kitchen so long as the lights are out and the knives are in the drawer.

10. What's sex?

Yeah, so you get the idea. I'm still a little peeved. Just how much do employers and government need to know? I guess I'm old fashioned in that I believe that some things should remain private.

You know, I think if George Orwell was alive today he'd probably be smirking.

Ps - If anyone wants to discuss their sexual orientation I am, as they say, "all ears".

Pps - Let's not be pedantic about the meaning of the word "orientation" - you all know what I mean!

PPs - any more suggestions for my next application gratefully received. And nobody mention custard.

I am not a Student Advisor! (Mrs T's search for Employment II )

Yep, I am not a student advisor. Well, I'm pretty sure I'm not as the interview date was today and I haven't heard anything.

The problem is, when you haven't worked in the conventional manner since 1998, it doesn't matter how much voluntary work you've done; you've still not been employed. It's a competitive world at the moment and there's a lot of people who tick all the right boxes fighting over very few jobs.

Anyway, I think the University is missing out. I would have made a fantastic student advisor! I mean who wouldn't want Mrs T dispensing her pearls of wisdom to the student fraternity?

I admit though that Young Sam, who has just started his second year at university, was not quite so impressed with the idea...

Mrs T: Sam, I've applied for a job as a student advisor at the University. Ask me some questions, will you? Just in case I get an interview.

Sam: You're kidding?

Mrs T:  Umm...no. I think I'd be a wonderful student advisor!  I have a son at university, I've been an almost perpetual student myself and I'm great with young people. I'm the the ideal candidate!

Sam: Mum, get real. You'd be the worst student advisor ever. I can just imagine it; some young, tentative girl comes in with a question and you'd say "Oh for God's sake. Can't you work it out for yourself? Just get on with it! Oh, and by the way have you learnt to spell yet?"


His exact words, Readers.


Cue Mrs T looking somewhat downhearted. Really, am I that bad? (Rhetorical question - no need to answer.)

You know, I can't remember asking for any help when I was a student. Maybe I just read the pamphlets and got on with it. (Please notice correct spelling of the word "pamphlet." I'm using it a lot lately - this is because I discovered last week Ben's teacher had written in his book "Some good points in your phamlet." I'm afraid I haven't got over it yet. In comparison, the PE teacher spelling "lesson" with only one "s" looked like a genuine typo.

Hey ho.

Anyway, eventually I managed to persuade Sam to give me a few questions to which I came up with the following answers;

Q: Where can I get free condoms?
A: Oh come on! I'm  Your parents are paying your fees! Surely you can afford a rubber or two? Blimey, how tight can you be?  Okay, okay...you can get free ones at the family planning clinic. Alternatively, if you don't mind second hand you can pick up some behind the student union bike shed.

Q: How do I use the washing machine?
A: Oh for God's sake! Just read the pamphlet. That's pamphlet spelt P A M P H L E T.

Q: I 'm running out of money. My mother is a miser and won't send me any more cash. What should I eat?
A: Hmm. Tricky. When I was a student I ate Weetabix spread with jam. Might be a bit tricky with your braces. Pot Noddle?

Q: (By email) My tutr says' i cant spell. im gutted evrone told me I wuz god at schole. Wot schwod i do?
A: Give up now or email your MP and tell them you've been fed a load of bullshit. Fingers crossed he understands you.

Q: I want to switch courses. What's the procedure?
A: At last! A proper question. Right, fill out this form.

Q: Can I borrow a pen?
A: Oh for God's sake...

Q: I'm living in a student house which doesn't appear to have any fire escape. What should I do?
A: How much pot are you planning to smoke? If you're planning to smoke a lot I suggest keeping it under your hat - the lack of fire escape not your pot. The pot might catch fire to your hair. Hmm...bearing that in mind I suggest jumping.

Q:The student restaurant doesn't offer enough vegetarian choices. Who should I complain to?
A: Now that's difficult. Let me think....The Vice Principal? No. Not really his area. Your tutor? Hmm... I see you're studying Media with Dr Flighty so maybe not. I know, I know! How about... the head chef or the restaurant manager?

By the way, can you spell pamphlet?

Q: Why are you a student advisor? You don't seem very helpful.
A: I'm not. I'm pretending to be an advisor. I made this badge following instructions on Blue Peter. I'm actually a brain surgeon masquerading as an advisor for a bet documentary for media studies department.

So there you have it, Readers. I am not a student advisor and the search for employment goes on. Should all else fail as a last resort I'm thinking about setting up my own telephone "chat" line. Could be entertaining.

Hmm... an afterthought. Have I mentioned about setting up a chat line before? I think I have... Hmm, me thinks the reality of unemployment is dawning on me. All options must considered. I haven't tried being a political speech writer yet though. I reckon I'd be good at that. Could be some fiery vitriol but hey, I haven't heard a good speech since Tony Blair resigned.

I am not a Librarian! (Mrs T's Search for Employment 1)

Right folks, it's time for me to start a new aspect on my blog called Mrs T's Search for Employment. Yes, the time has come for Mrs T to return to work as life is just getting too expensive!

So, to set the scene. I haven't worked in the conventional sense since 1998. Right, stop that groaning now, Readers. I have been working very, very, hard, as you know, keeping my house clean, cooking delicious meals and picking the dead heads of the hanging baskets. There was the matter of the three children which has, on the odd occasion, caused a few sleepless nights. (Well, when I say a few sleepless nights I mean acute insomnia coupled with an addiction to non-prescription drugs and fine sherry. Still, it's made for an interesting life.)

Anyway, I haven't applied for a job for about 3 years. At that time, I had a little spate of applying for jobs and only got one interview at a local school which I didn't get. (So pretty successful really.) Apparently, the student panel at the school thought I was "too defensive" about their clever and subtle probing into my personal weaknesses. (What are your personal weaknesses?) From which I gather "chocolate" was the wrong answer. Hey ho. Interestingly, they gave the job to a woman who I'd never met but who stalked me on Facebook. Still, it's reassuring to know that someone at their school knows what a Facebook status is. I wonder if the lady in question stands at the front of the class and the kids pick up her instructions on their phones;

"Sit down! U r  interfering with my Wifi. Thx. Oh turn the pg we are doin' bit when Romeo tops himself.xx"

Anyway, I recently applied for a supervisory job at the library and I didn't get it. Now I don't want to brag but compared to my previous management jobs I think it would have been easy peasy. No disrespect to you folks who might work in a proper library (ie one in a city or one with those annoying academics who come in and ask for " Issue 32 of Remote Ancestry by Professor Unknown published somewhere between 1845 and 1910.") This is a small provincial library where the highlight of the day would probably be pinning a new notice to the noticeboard and getting your kicks by overcharging on the late books and pocketing the difference. And, let's face it, libraries are so PC these days you can't do anything controversial at all...

For example, in the days when I worked in retail management it was best practice to get the nutters out of the door as fast as possible. My record was about 30 seconds. Basically, nutters are always looking for something you know you don't have - so you must keep them moving because once they're sitting you're doomed for a minimum 3hr chat about their cat or some long lost relative or in the worse case scenario - their health.

Talking with a nutter about their health is the most serious issue for anyone working in the retail sector because you know you are in it for the long haul. These people will be back, time and time again, to give you the latest update on their big toe/bowels movements/voices in their head. So you must keep them moving  at all costs. Whilst nutters are talking, you must do lots of nodding and smiling (so they trust you) and pretend to search for whatever it is they want (usually a replica collectible teapot, an Irish whiskey glass or if they're really bonkers - a watch with 21 jewels) whilst you discreetly move them back towards the doorway. Then you open the door for them and say;

Well we don't appear to have one of those. I'm soooooo sorry. Mind you, I heard they sell them in Harvey Nichols. They are so wonderful! The last time I was there they even brought me a cup of tea whilst I was choosing an outfit. Marvellous! 

Then you point the nutter in the direction of Harvey Nichols, wave and relax. Job done. Finally, return to your post and congratulate yourself on screwing up the day for staff at the opposition.

Hmm, so where was I going with this? Oh yes. So in retail you aim to get rid of the nutters asap but in libraries you have to be PC - so all I would have done is shown them to the big print section (which hopefully would be tucked alongside the health section) thus keeping them occupied for hours, possibly even weeks.

Easy.

Anyway, I didn't get the job at the library. I don't know why but it could be because I didn't have one of the listed criteria which was an ECDL or for those of you like me who'd never heard of it - European Computer Driving Licence - which is roughly equivalent to a GSCE in IT. Now I don't want to sound too bitter and twisted but I've seen the PCs in the library and they are so old they probably crank them up with a key like an old car...

Deirdre, Deirdre! It's nearly 9am. Get your gloves on. It's time to start up the engines - it looks like we've got a rush on returns!"  (Queue of 3 people outside entrance - one of whom is obviously a nutter as she is clasping a chipped floral teapot.)

Yeah, the computers are so old at the library I think I could work it out. In fact, I'd be pleasantly supervised if they had a keyboard.

You know, I think it would have been very, very amusing working at the library. Perfect fodder for my blog. Hmm... maybe they discovered my blog and thought the same!

No, actually I'm not admitting I write a blog on my CV so no one will know ever know! Unless of course, they stalk me on Facebook....