One boy is difficult, two boys are trouble, three boys spells catastrophe

I have an almost piece of exciting news - I got an honourable mention in the Nerdwallet competition for my suggestions for Mother's Day presents! In fact, I think I may have come close to winning as I got an email from Nerdwallet asking if I had duel nationality as the rules didn't allow UK entrants - meaning I would ineligible for a prize if I couldn't come up with some evidence. I thought about pretending I had some evidence - and then an image of Tony Blair appeared before my eyes and I remembered that lies are not always a good idea.

(By the way, I was actually solicited to enter this competition so I was slightly naffed off at potentially missing out on a $1,000. I just thought I'd mention that as I don't want to look a complete jerk for entering a competition that I wasn't in fact eligible to enter. Anyway, the good folks at Nerdwallet decided I could have some linky love and what's more they may even broaden their rules so that next year I can enter my handmade sheep's jewellery in the craft category.)

Anyway, being highly competitive I eventually checked out the winning entrants and just because I can - I declare myself the unofficial winner for the unlisted category People not really taking this competition seriously. There were some really sincere entries from folks baking cakes and making jewellery etc. I wish I had it it me to do that kind of specialist crafty stuff but folding the ends of the loo roll into a triangle is about as much as I can manage at the moment. The overall winning suggestion of a drawing book in which a child could draw pictures for their mother as a keepsake was a lovely idea and a particularly nice gift for girls to give their mums for Mother's Day - but for boys to give as a gift - I'm not so sure. Personally, I've suffered enough embarrassment at parents' evenings looking at my son's murderous pictures featuring decapitated soldiers, aircraft armed with nuclear warheads and fire-breathing monsters without receiving a drawing book full of the said grotesque pictures which I'm supposed to keep for the rest of my life. In fact, every now and then, when I stumble across a school exercise book I've overlooked to put in the bin I'm usually aghast at the horrors they contain. Sometimes that includes the teachers' spelling mistakes although, to be fair, it's mainly the drawings.

You see, boys and girls are fundamentally different. As evidence of this I will cite what happened last Sunday during the lunch hour of the latest cricket test match between England and New Zealand. During the television interval Sky showed a clip of some girls playing cricket which prompted Master Jacob to insult Master Ben's batting abilities by unfavourably comparing them to a girl's. Then a fight broke out, the sofa took a hammering and Master Ben ended up clutching his genitals. The overall natural conclusion of this episode was Master Ben inserting a questionable term into You Tube (current favourite pastime) and subsequently me having to endure this video. (Don't check it out if you've no sense of humour.) Then, of course, any sojourn to You Tube is usually followed by a progression of even sillier video clips until, ultimately, it finishes on one of the many videos showing Justin Bieber getting shot on CSI. Regrettably, no matter how many times poor Justin Bieber gets shot and no matter how many times they watch it my boys still find it funny. Unfortunately, so do I. In fact, I had to ask Master Jacob to halt the video half way through because I was laughing so much I thought I was going to have a heart attack. 

Male sibling rivalry should not be taken lightly.  From the moment your second son is born your life becomes sheer utter hell, requiring you to make numerous visits to casualty and break up fights using any sharp instrument you can find. If you have three sons like I do then you will be driven to not only tearing out your hair but wandering around supermarkets looking for the aisle selling bruise cream whilst sniffing bathroom cleaner.  If you are really badly affected you will end up writing a blog and losing all your self respect.

Now from what I know about girls, they tend to draw, skip, play with dolls, interact on Facebook and generally be reasonably well behaved except when they're trashing either their mum's or their sister's make-up. Boys are completely different animals though - having boys is one long continuous battle to maintain discipline and keep one's sanity as a parent. In fact it's like having your teeth extracted without painkillers whilst listening to a party political broadcast:  it's no surprise that some parents of multiple sons lose their sanity pretty early on.

I must say this bathroom cleaner smells particularly good this morning....

You know, I am sure having sons causes premature death. In fact, I'll let you know if that happens to me.

Actually, maybe I won't- it could be tricky if I'm dead. 

If you don't hear from me for a while, just assume the worst, okay?

Anyway, just in case you haven't seen a Justin Bieber CSI remix here is the latest Turley favourite...

Gifts for Mother's Day Under Twenty Five Dollars

Okay, so I got this email in my inbox inviting me to contribute to a competition hosted by Nerdwallet for ideas for a gift for Mother’s Day for $25.00 or less. This is not something I normally do but I thought what the heck I might as well give it a shot. My ideas don't fall into any of the judged categories. But who cares? I don't. I've got three sons. I've got my enough problems without worrying about judging categories.

Obviously, my first thought was to ask my mother:  she’d be sure to know for sure. Unfortunately, then I remembered she was dead.  So, screwed at the first hurdle, I’d knew I’d have to come up with some original ideas of my own.

Firstly, as I’m British and this is an American competition I had to convert the $25.00 gift scenario to pounds: it’s £16.08. My initial response to this was: what kind of joker is proposing that men only spend $25.00 dollars for Mother’s Day? Answer: only a true nerd. Yep, you can bet Sly Stallone doesn't spend only $25.00 dollars on his mum and whilst he is a nerd he probably isn't your true geeky nerd. Sly is an action hero nerd - which is slightly different to a nerd who collects action heroes.

Secondly, I tried to put myself in the position of a mother who knows her son is a nerd and therefore expects a nerdish present. (This may help to alleviate the disappointment of not getting a Porsche Carrera, a whopping ten carat diamond or a blind date with the hunky best friend who is slightly less nerdy and attends a gym.) Now, as a mother of three young males of whom one is a true geeky nerd (he’s twenty one and plays Warhammer), I know that you must always, always, lower your expectations when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts or, indeed, any kind of gift. In fact, you should just be grateful if he remembers who you are and where you live. Then, if you actually have the good fortune to receive a present, you will be able to act with genuine spontaneous glee when you unwrap your gift - even if turns out to a tube of superglue, a 1996 “collectible” Sega Mega Drive game or a piece of wire mesh which can be moulded into either a kitchen sieve or, more conveniently, a piece of railway landscape.

Ladies - if you have a nerd for a son your life may not be worth living.

Okay, so let’s get down to business. As a mother whose nerdy son forgot both Mother’s Day  (it’s a different day here in the UK) and her birthday this year here are my top ten gifts under $25.00 that I wouldn’t have minded receiving (bearing in mind my expectations are really, really low.)

1.       A Mother’s Day card. Well, I suppose that counts at a gift. It’s not exactly a present but on the plus side you could have it framed so that you can remember for all eternity the year your nerdish son actually remembered Mother’s Day.

2.       A bottle of bath salts. I never thought I’d say this but there might be a day my son gives them to me and I will be truly grateful to receive them. In the meantime, I shall continue to give away any I receive to the local church fair to be sold on the White Elephant Stall.

3.       A kitchen sieve which is actually a kitchen sieve.

4.       A bottle of red wine (or preferably two) to drown out the sorrows of knowing your nerdy son will probably forget to attend your funeral.

5.       A bottle of red wine (or preferably two) and a box of chocolates to celebrate the fact you will have written your nerdy son out of your will.

6.       A hammer. This is very useful for all sorts of DIY, especially if you feel the need to vent your anger on model railways.

7.       A selection of paracetamol, aspirin and anti-depressants.

8.       A line of coke (a cola).

9.       A copy of Fifty Shades of Grey and a packet of matches.

10   A tea towel. Because they’re useful and you can wear them on your head and tell your son you’ve converted to Islam.

So that’s my top ten suggestions. If none of these appeals to you nerds out there just give your Mum £25 voucher and let her chose her own present. Then you’ll both be happy.