The Wacky Races - and We're Off!

So on Tuesday Gordon Brown announced the general election will be on May 6th (or rather it was leaked to the press first in true Labour fashion before being officially announced in the afternoon.)

So the Wacky Races begin! Let the best team win!



So the contenders will be slogging it out for the title for World's Wackiest Bullshitters... Oh and the governing party as well - lets not forget that!  Over the next few weeks I'll be featuring some of the more pronounced candidates and/or supporters of  the major parties taking part in the Wacky Races.

So who do we have up first as Rock Slag and Gravel Slag as the Slag Brothers in Bouldermobile 1?

Why, none other than the delightful John "Two Jags/ Two Shags/ Two Shacks" Prescott (select your preferred choice) and his son, David Prescott, who will be touring marginal constituencies in the Prescott Express Battle Bus. (Seriously - that's what Johnnie boy calls it!) Here, take a look;



Wow, I just love Prescott's charm. The way he quips "Let's stuff those Tories again for the fourth time" really ticks all my boxes. Such eloquence! Such charisma! Just as well his website Go Fourth (engineered by Alistair Campbell, the former Blair and New Labour spin doctor) seems to be aimed at Labour loyalists because an educated middle class floating voting voter like moi may not fall for that kind of smooth sophisticated talk; to be honest I'm used to something a little more forthright.

Now the news is that Mr Prescott isn't standing again at the election and neither is his son who has failed to be selected as Labour candidate for for his father's constituency Hull East and Weaver Vale in Cheshire. However, Young David is joining his dad on the Battle Bus so watch out for some colourful tales in the British  press regarding the Slag Brothers in their Boulder Bus. Now I like to be even-handed; so to be fair rumour has it that Old Prescott did some good work on the Kyoto Agreement (which Mrs T is all in favour of as you well know) and Old Prescott has given me a few laughs over the years so I'll be saddened (for at least 30 seconds) when parliament is dissolved and we wave goodbye to Prescott's glorious career.

Now to enter into the true spirit of election fever I think we should have a quiz! Okay so I'll gave a number of potential faux pas that Old Prescott may or may not have committed and you readers can guess which ones are true!

Here we go:


1. Whilst Secretary of State for the Environment, Transport and The Regions (1997 - 2001) Prescott was quoted as saying;

 "I will have failed if in five years time there are not...far fewer journeys by car. It's a tall order but I urge you to hold me to it."            Unfortunately, By 2002 car traffic was up 7%.

 ( Hmm... I think Prescott was actually trying to get a McDonalds built in Hull East but failed - therefore increasing the amount of traffic at the Hull West Drive Thru.)

 Anyway, don't let me put you off picking the genuine Prescott Faux pas! So, is this story  True or False?

2. In the current election campaign Prescott urged Labour supporters on his Twitter account to click on a conservative advertisement for which the conservatives are paying 50p per click to their advertisers. (Hmm....that sounds totally unscrupulous!) But is it True or False?

3. In the 2001 Election campaign Prescott was hit by an egg; he punched his assailant on the jaw. ( Oh come on - a Member of Parliament who punches a member of the public?!) True or False?

4.In 2006, Prescott apologised after it was revealed that the council tax for a government flat he occupied was paid for using public money, rather than his own private income. He repaid £3,830.52. (Over nearly nine years - hmm - I want a credit agreement like that!) True or False?

5. During the 2009 Expenses scandal it was revealed that tubby Prescott had claimed the full amount of £4,800 for food (no surprise there), £312 for mock Tudor beams fitted to his home, and the cost of fitting/repairing two toilet seats. ( Possibly due to heavy wear and tear.) True or False?

6. In 1999 an official chauffeur driven car was used to drive Mr and Mrs Prescott 250 yards to the Labour Party Conference. Prescott claimed it was because his wife didn't like her hair being "blown about" (or it could have been because he didn't fancy the strenuous walk - he'd just spent the last of his food allowance) True or False?

Hmm... I think that's enough to tax you readers this time! So, think carefully which one(s) are the genuine political boo boos???

Yes...... yes...... You're right! They all are! What a clever readers you are!!! Okay, so they'll be more from The Wacky Races shortly. In the meantime, you know what I'm going to leave you with don't you? Just think "Mrs T" when you watch......

Political Scandals and a Dollar Cure

Last week I was driving through the stately village of Woburn, the home of the Duke of Bedford and Woburn Abbey when suddenly Master Ben cried out;

"Look, TV cameras!"

As I had my eyes fixed on the car in front (just for a change) I didn't see the cameras but I supposed that it was nothing unusual as historic Woburn Abbey and its famous safari park have been the subject of many documentaries. However, on our return several hours later, just as we coming through Woburn again, we were listening to the local radio news and the announcer declared something to the effect of;

" David Van Day has been in Woburn today canvassing political opinion. The former 80s popstar is considering standing at the next election."

At which point, I nearly had a fourth car crash.

Let me explain - as I know many of you across the world will have no idea who I am talking about.

My earliest memory of David goes back a lot further than most. Because as a child I think one of my first, but definitely my first truly memorable outing to the theatre, was a trip to see the comedian Freddie Starr. Freddie was then in his heyday producing chaotic, highly comical routines which famously included impressions of Elvis Presley and Adolf Hitler. (This may account for my fetish for comedy jackboots.) Freddie's supporting act was a successful cabaret act called Guys "n" Dolls which featured the young David Van Day.

This was the start of a career that has spanned 30 years in show business, firstly with Guy's "n" Dolls, laterly with Bucks Fizz and a number of reality TV shows including I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here and Reborn in the USA but principally as one half of the 80s pop duo Dollar where he sang alongside Thereze Bazar his former partner in Guys "n"Dolls.

Dollar had a number of hits between 1978 and 1988 but peaked in the early eighties with a series of songs produced by Trevor Horn of Buggles fame. Here's my favourite from this period Mirror, Mirror



So all in all, David's had a pretty colourful life. There have been acrimonious band departures, court cases, vitriolic reality shows and tabloid headlines and I'm sure he's learnt a hell of a lot along the way.

But do I want him as a Member of Parliament?

No!

Well, it would take a LOT to convince me that David is a suitable candidate. I've have nothing against celebrities standing as MPs. In fact, I'm personally in favour of candidates coming into politics late in life having made their own way in the world and being in a situation to offer their services to causes they feel strongly about. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Glenda Jackson are two good examples of well known personalities who have successfully made this career change. However, there's no way I would want to see numerous celebrities standing for election, diluting the political system for the sake of cheap publicity. I'd like to see more candidates from business, the armed forces and education; people who are used to making serious decisions. I'm fed up seeing MPs who were born into it or recruited straight from university.

I rarely touch upon politics as you know, but for weeks now our newspapers have been dominated by a political scandal that shows no signs of abating. Without a shadow of a doubt it is the final nail in the coffin for the current Labour Government. Currently, 4 serving cabinet ministers have resigned their positions as well as the Speaker of the House of Commons. This is the tip of the iceberg though; I have actually lost count of the number of politicians who are "standing down" at the next election for "personal reasons."

The truth is they have all been fiddling their expenses and have now been ousted. Yep, there have been claims for employing relatives, ice cube trays, horse manure, toilet seats, pornographic videos and even a duck house.

Yes...a duck house! Obviously a vitally important necessity without which Sir Peter Viggers, Tory MP for Gosport, couldn't do his job properly. And what's more it was a floating duck house - boy those were lucky ducks! Maybe I'm being cynical - maybe Sir Peter was planning to sail down the Thames on it to avoid traffic congestion. You know, I've tried a similar tactic with Mr T and requested more pocket money for my chocolate bars but he just said I was just pulling a fast one.

The duck house, manure and pornographic videos are just the silly claims though. Sadly, there are claims far worse. For example, there are claims for second mortgages that didn't even exist!

This whole sorry saga is turning out to be a shameful affair for both the major parties. It will now take an absolute miracle for the public, many who are cash strapped and facing redundancy, to forget this blatant abuse of MPs' privileges. It is time for clearout of these second rate, conceited politicians who have abused the trust that has been placed in them. I am not the only one who hopes that the next election will introduce a new breed of politicians for whom politics is a genuine vocation and not just a meal ticket to power and prosperity.

But how do we go about attracting the right candidates? No simple answer there - but it would surely help if MPs were paid a suitable sum for the responsibilities the job entails. A back bencher is paid £66,00 pa which although significantly above the national average is not sufficient to attract better quality candidates. I'm not excusing the behaviour of the offenders, some of whom are independently wealthy, but it would certainly help to open up the field.

In the meantime, I welcome the interest of sincere people into the political arena. Esther Rantzen, the TV presenter is considering throwing her glove into the arena in Luton South, the constituency of the disgraced Margaret Moran. (Moran claimed £22, 500 for treating dry rot at her and her husband's home in Southampton after already making claims for homes in Luton and London.) We need more informed people to challenge the status quo, more independent candidates who do not conform to the party whips and are not afraid to speak their own minds.

Personally, I'm all in favour of Michael Winner, producer of the Death Wish movies, standing as MP. The whole country knows he's a pompous old goat at times but hell what fun we would have! Michael says he would "purge The House and send the PC idiots to Gulag" Hmm... sounds pretty good to me and if he made Saturday nights compulsory Champers Night (which is highly likely) I'm sure the whole country would be falling over themselves to vote for him!

Joking aside, politics is a serious matter and never more than now when there are so many truly global concerns. We need strong, effective leadership but leadership which commands our respect and demonstrates true integrity. With an election on the horizon next year it is time for the major parties to clear out the dead wood and take a leaf from the Americans and Barack Obama.


It is time for change.