A Book Recommendation: Me Before You

I want to recommend a book to you. It's this one:

Women's mass market fiction with something to say. At last.

Out of necessity, this review contains some spoilers but I'm not going to reveal the ending so if you decide to read Me Before You there will still be something to discover.

Lou Clark is young woman who works in cafe and has never stretched her horizons. When she loses her job she soon meets handsome and witty Will Traynor, a wealthy businessman with a sharp tongue and arrogant attitude. Love blossoms.

Doesn't sound much different from any other mass market romance fiction does it? But it is.

The difference is that the hero, Will, doesn't have all the characteristics of a normal male protagonist. Unlike the usual impressive able bodied heroes of romance fiction Will has been severely injured in a motorcycle accident. Lou Clark is the carer who comes to love him. And what really lies at the heart of this book is not romance but a discussion about the right for an individual to chose whether to live or die. It's a story about euthanisa. 

As Lou's feelings towards Will begin to develop she discovers he wants to travel to Switzerland to end his life with the help of Dignitas. However, Will has promised his parents that he will give it one more year to see if he changes his mind. The question is -will the underlying love between Lou and Will be enough to save him? Will love bring enough respite to presuade Will to live out his days confined to a wheelchair? 

That's enough of the story. Now I want to tell you why this book is a winner.

Firstly, from a writer's perspective Jojo Moyes has been very clever. She uses a very conventional  formula which publishers know sells. I know from my own experience that trying to write anything that breaks the rules is frowned upon unless your a literary genius. Certainly, when it come to women's fiction publishers are pretty rigid in their ideas. However, Jojo Moyes was already a best selling author with a list of titles to her name who, with a hardcore of fans behind her to spread the good news, was better placed than most authors to push the boundaries of women's fiction.

Secondly, as a reader, this book is incredibly refreshing. It has the engaging relationship story line which is so popular amongst women readers but it also has a very serious message to convey. This is an ingredient which has been missing from a lot of mass market women's fiction. The success of  Me Before You proves what I've thought for a long time - that women are far more open to variable subject matter than publishers think. We want to read about serious subjects too - not just light, fluffy stories that as soon as you've finished it you've forgotten it. Of course there's a time and a place for frothy entertainment and many women enjoy it but there are also many women who actively want to read books that are not just entertaining but emotionally satisfying and intellectually challenging. Modern life as it is busy women don't have the time or the energy to to sit down with a heavy weight literary novel: there is a place on the book shelves for easy-to-read but intelligent writing.  Me before You is a good example of how an author can successfully meet the demands of mass market fiction and produce a thought provoking novel.

I highly recommend Me Before You.

Thoughts on A Pregnant Widow

In a few weeks time I'm off to the Cheltenham Literary Festival which is one of the biggest festivals of its type in the UK. It's a two week event which hosts readings and interviews with some of the biggest literary stars and a number of  presenters, actors and comedians who have also crossed over into the world of literature. I'm only going for a weekend but I've managed to get tickets to see Martin Amis, Sebastian Faulks, Jilly Cooper, Salman Rushdie and Andrew Motion. I'm also (wait for it!) going to a 3 hour journalists course! Um....I'm a little worried I'll be the only student over 40 and the others will be "bright young things" but well...what the hell...I decided to bite the bullet and just go and see what happens. I guess I'm one of those people who just like learning and trying out new things. Anyway I've made an idiot of myself so many times I figure one more time won't hurt.......

So I've got plenty of reading to do; I like to be prepared for such things. I want to be one of those folks who nods their head wisely when Salman Rushdie says " On page 451 when I use a cognitive metaphor rather than a therapeutic metaphor....."

Okay, okay - I won't. You know me too well!  I'll really be thinking...

"I wonder what he'd look like if he shaved off that ridiculous beard? How much was his divorce settlement? Did he ex wife take a signed copy of Satanic Verses with her and sell it on Ebay?"

Yep, you know......the intellectually challenging questions.

Anyway, I've got a serious pile of reading to do; Jilly Cooper's latest novel Jumpwhich was published last week. Sebastian Faulk's latest A Week in December,  The Cinder Path  by Andrew Motion, Midnight's Children and The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie and The Pregnant Widow by Martin Amis. I'm already familiar with the writing style of  Faulks and Cooper so I'm starting with my weakest areas. Yep, you'll have to excuse my ignorance - but yes; I hadn't read any Amis. Shock, horror! Anyway, I'm now about 100+ pages into The Pregnant Widow and.....

Crikey is it hard work. I think it's meant to be a sort of comedy of manners set in 1970 when the sexual revolution was in full swing. But it's just not working for me. Well not yet. I'll probably stick with it to the end because in parts it's quite entertaining. However, it has that academic, self satisfied feel to it where the author and other well educated fellows from Oxford will be laughing at some obscure joke and the rest of us will be thinking....I bought this in hardback?

So, I know nothing about Amis. So to confirm my suspicions let's Google Martin Amis.....

Yep, he went to Exeter College, Oxford.

Now I'm the one being smug! Ho hum. Anyway, I'm going to finish the book and see what happens.....

I'll think I'll read Jilly Cooper's Jump next. I should be able to breeze through that in 24 hours. After Amis it'll be a bit of lightweight fun. Then perhaps time to tackle Rushdie......

Cripes, there's nothing making hard work for yourself is there? Maybe I should just take a bottle of plonk with me and get sloshed in the auditorium?

Anyway, I'm planning on writing some book reviews for the The View From Here...maybe my first one will be An Evening with Amis, A Pregnant Widow and A Bottle of Plonk.....Hmm...could pull the readers in on that one....... or maybe What's Amiss with Amis?....... or maybe Amis went to Oxford, I went to Wales and his book went to Oxfam. Hmm... that has quite a good ring to it.......

Anyway, time to go. Duty calls.

Right, where did I put that book? I need a door-stopper....

This Book is Brillant by Jane Turley

What are the universally hated professions? These days it appears it is bankers, (sorry Mr Intrepid!) closely followed by builders (Sorry Gary!) and naturally - the estate agent. (Anybody an estate agent out there? No?  Phew, I can at least rant about them without feeling too guilty...)

Oh, in my experience, solicitors are a bit of a pain in the arse as well. Have you ever known a solicitor to actually contact you and say they've done something on time? NO! They always wait for you to ring them and ask what's happening and invariably the work has never been done. They're always missing a mysterious piece of paper or waiting for the other person's solicitor to send them another piece of mysterious paper..... I tell you, if I ever move house again I will be standing outside my solicitors with a red hot poker. You know, theoretically, you can actually conduct a house sale in about 2 weeks - not in the UK you can't though - not with your solicitor picking his nose all the time and filing his paperwork in the bin. Still, it's a small consolation that so many young people apparently want the prestige (ha, ha!) of being a solicitor they will actually be too many of them in a few years time and they'll end up with less pay than your average plumber!

Oh plumbers. I forgot about them. Hmm. They're not so great either are they? The one who springs to mind is the one who dropped his blowtorch is Mrs Midwife's sister-in law's attic and legged it. As a result her house burnt down. Think I'm kidding? I'm not. In fact, there's been two fires in our small village in the last few years - Mrs Midwife's and another one a couple of weeks back. In fact, I glanced out the window as I was pulling Master Ben's blind down  and I saw a huge, black plume of smoke. Wow, I thought, maybe that nutter with the helicopter pad (yes there is one) has crashed!  I was all for getting out Ben's Matchbox helicopter and leaving it on his doorstep as a replacement - I'm so thoughtful. Actually, it turned one of the retirement bungalows across the other side of the village had blown up in a gas explosion. See, I always say old folks eat too many Brussel sprouts and no one believes me......

Anyway, I'm kinda worried that I might have joined the ranks of the most hated professions myself - as a book reviewer. Now I know you, Dear Readers, are familiar enough with me to know that I'm a kind, sweet and good natured soul but I fear with my naughty book reviews I may get a reputation as bad as Cruella deVil. Oh woe, woe is me! I like to be liked! I don't want to be a baddie! But the problem is I just have to speak the truth as I find it - Yes, I am the woman who tells her friends if they have visible facial hair. What good friend wouldn't? But reviews, like any valuation, are just one person's opinion at a given time aren't they? People really shouldn't take them too seriously.....should they? Oh dear, poor Mrs T is all  upset that maybe will she soon be universally hated.......

Cripes, and what happens if I get my own novel published? Will all the authors I've reviewed come out of the woodwork and call it a pile of poo even if it is the work of genius that it obviously is? Oh dear, dear, dear.....they do say all publicity is good publicity but I'm not so sure.....

Hmm..... maybe I should be cunning. Perhaps I should change the name of  my book from Capital Crusader to This Book is Brilliant. Yeah, that's a good idea; it's pretty hard to review a book without the title and that one sort has a ring of success about it.? Kinda memorable eh? What d'you reckon Readers? Shall I do it?!

Anyway, on another matter (noticed how I've avoided the subject of bankers and builders!) this morning I had to take back a pair of trousers which were supposed to be "high waisted" but turned out to sit well below the waist. If there's any fashion designers out there please take note that people over 40 or who have had children DO NOT WANT THEIR BOTTOM ON PUBLIC DISPLAY and neither do we want to be hitching our jeans up every 30 seconds or look like we're about to break dance outside the school gates. Right have you got it? Well make some darn trousers that fit real women will you? And whilst I'm at it, I don't want skinny leg trousers or ones like masts that I could sail round the world with. Just normal stuff PLEASE. Oh yes, and also make some tee shirts with proper sleeves as well and not those ones that cut off at the shoulder with a silly tight elastic fitting that makes you look like mutton dressed up as lamb. Let's leave that to Priscilla Presley shall we?

Oh and whilst I'm in self pitying, ranting mode..have you seen the Kylie Minogue video for her latest release All The Lovers? Ghastly, ghastly, ghastly. I like the song and I even like Kylie's boots but all those folks cavorting in their underwear? No, no, no, no. It looks like some sort of Roman orgy but with no grapes. Not what I want to see when I'm eating my tea. Anyway, here's Kylie with All The Lovers but without that awful video;



Oh, there's also another naughty book review coming up from me next week on The View so stay tuned!

The Snowing and Greening of Thomas Passmore

I was first introduced to The Snowing and Greening of Thomas Passmore over at The View From Here literary magazine where I read Mike French’s interview with Paul whom I’m sure as most of my regular readers will know, I now refer to as PB. Now Paul’s interview was pretty sensible but as you are probably aware he often indulges with me in a little bit of British silliness but don’t be fooled Paul’s book is not silly in any way; it is a wonderful piece of literature…..

Thomas Passmore is a family man who has emigrated to Australia in the search of a better life. But his roots are in the England; the England of his childhood and of his ancestors. As his mother lies dying, Thomas travels home but his journey is not just one of duty but also of reconciliation because Thomas’ past is an unclosed chapter in his life; it is strewn with emotional debris. His father’s suicide, the death of his childhood friend and the loss of his first love have followed him to foreign shores but now Thomas must retrace his footsteps, relive his memories, and free himself from his constraints.

The first thing that grabbed me about Paul’s book was the title. From the outset its lyrical quality had me intrigued because there are so few books with long, descriptive titles. But the title is a good indicator of the superb quality of writing in The Snowing and Greening of Thomas Passmore; each word is carefully chosen, each description meticulously constructed giving it an almost poetical feeling in places so the words, like Thomas’s memories, wash over you like gentle surf. This is a book that to be fully appreciated really needs to be read a second time, so that you not just taste the flavour but savour it. Paul’s sheer, almost indulgent, use of words is rare in today’s blockbuster market; it’s rather like savouring a rich dark truffle when all you’ve had previously is cheap milk chocolate. Rather tasty.

The Snowing and Greening of Thomas Passmore works on two levels. There are two stories running parallel. One is of his relationships and his need to find closure with them, especially with his former lover, Kate. But there is also the story of Thomas’ connection with the land of his birth, the roots of his being and his connection to English heritage. This is the England of ancient stone circles, of worn paths and of aged spreading oaks.

The novel switches between what is seemingly the past and present. There are dream like sequences too, so sometimes the reader is left wondering how much of what is happening is truth or reality and what, if anything, is happening to Thomas. His life seems to be flashing before him and as the book progresses one wonders if this really is the case. Is there more to Thomas’s journey than mere recollection? The dream- like sequences too have an ethereal quality and Kate, the long lost lover, is also almost ethereal in concept. Even at 18 she is seemingly flawless; beautiful, intelligent, wise beyond her years, as well as being a fantastic lover. As a woman I felt Kate was perhaps too perfect although her perfection fits well with the novel and explains Thomas’ continued adulation.

As Thomas remembers his past he recalls a hiking trip with Kate during which the strength of Thomas’ bond with the land of his birth and its ancient history becomes apparent. It is obvious that his early childhood curiosity for flints and fossils has developed into much a deeper connection; Thomas may have left England but he is still connected to his past; not just by the his immediate family but by that of his forefathers.

But what Thomas has yet to learn is that he must accept the past, especially the loss of his lover and his father so that a chapter of his life can be closed. He must merge with his past and his heritage. Not so much that a new chapter can be opened but in order that he can becomes a richer, happier man at peace with himself. This is very much the essence of the book for Thomas, metaphorically, lies buried under the snow of the title and underneath there is a new man waiting to emerge.

There was a point in the book when I wondered if Thomas was indeed going to change, the snow melt, and the green shoots appear that would bring about his rebirth or whether I had been mistaken in my assumptions. But as the book moved towards the end, Kate begins to personify all of Thomas’ past and finally in his dream world she becomes Katelin…an oak tree representing not just the past but also the present. In a moving, beautifully written, sequence Katelin and Thomas, also visualized as a tree, merge together...

Katelin steps closer to me then; face to face. She pushes her arms carefully through my foliage to embrace me, noses through the leaves until her nose is touching mine, her tongue stroking my lips…She lifts one leg and wraps it around me, and every part of me enters her, grows through her, until the warmth that’s running through me is rising in her through her body too, and it becomes pointless to consider that we were ever separate or could ever be separate again. And why did I never know this before?

“Forever and ever,” we think.

And so the greening is complete. Thomas is reconciled, his redemption complete. His separate, incomplete lives have become one.

The Snowing and Greening is a fabulous book. It’s a story of love, loss and redemption and so beautifully written. Frankly, I’m amazed it’s taken Paul so long to be published and I’m really looking forward to reading his next novel because, like Thomas, this is just the beginning.

In a day or two I’ll be reporting on The Book Club's meeting to discuss The Snowing and Greening of Thomas Passmore, Mr M’s (Yes, MR M) foray into publishing (A tale of woe) and Master Jacob’s foray into baking. (A tale of horror.)

Copyright Jane Turley 2008

Pictures of the oak leaves and winter scene at night have been produced by kind permisson of Copyright Free Photos, Winter Song (trees covered in snow ) and Lost in the the clouds (forest in mist) have been produced by fellow blogger Eddie McHugh over at The Cliff Walk, the final picture is by Mrs T.

A Book Tag (which went disastrously wrong.)

STOP! ….In the name of love…….. Oh lord….I’m off into my Diana Ross impression…. (Never a good sign – it usually means impending madness will soon follow…) Anyway…yes do stop and get a coffee because this is a book tag and as I’m rather fond of books I’m probably going to go on for some considerable time. (Again.) Is that OK? I hope so….

Well, my thanks to Mrs G (Eve’s Lungs) for passing me this book tag. I really enjoyed the last tag from Usha; so we’ll just have to see what happens with this one! It may not of course actually follow exactly as per the instructions… However, these are the correct instructions I received from Mrs G;

1. Pick up the nearest book.

2. Open to page 123

3. Find the fifth sentence.

4. Post the next three sentences.

5. Tag five people, and acknowledge the person who tagged you.

Well as my desk is situated right next to one of my book cases I merely reached out to my left, without looking, felt for the nearest book and pulled out…

Society and Puritanism in Pre-Revolutionary England by Christopher Hill.

(Yawn, yawn…. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……stand back from the window…...)

Anyway, just to verify this - here is a picture of my desk and the offending book case. Please notice how clean and tidy my desk looks. It is ALWAYS this way; it is absolutely never, ever, littered with chocolate wrappers, coffee cups, mail, books, papers, biscuit crumbs, tissues and of course small effigies of Pierce Brosnan. (I keep those by the side of my bed…for inspiration.)

Unfortunately, for you readers, the shelf at hand level is one which houses some of my old history books from those dark, distant college days. However, the good news is I didn’t pull out the book next to it which was Marx/Engels The Socialist Revolution. (In which case readers you would have my full permission to jump.) The book on the other side was a little more interesting though - Stephen Venables’ A Slender Thread; an autobiography of the first Briton to reach the summit of Everest without supplementary oxygen. I read it a few years ago but as I recall it was quite an interesting read which is why it hasn’t made it to the charity shop/school fair yet. Anyway, just for your interest here are some of the other books on that shelf;

Papillion by Henri Charriere. (A man with delusions of being a butterfly attempts to escape from a top notch security complex. NB - flapping his arms did not get him over the perimeter.)

Surface with Daring by Douglas Reeman. (Boating escapades during WWII -not to be read if you’re just about to go canoeing, swimming or if your particularly nervous about having a bath.)

Most Secret War by R.V Jones. ( Ssh… sorry I can’t tell you what its about.. it’s a secret….)

Silence of the Lambs by Thomas Harris. (A man disguised as a moth has delusions of being a serial killer; he also happens to hate lamb chops; it’s a sad, sad tale of gross misfortune.)

Stallion Gate by Martin Cruz Smith. (Horses escape through a broken gate and travel the world looking for a mystical saddle – no I couldn’t believe it either.)

Keep Me Close by Clare & Francis. (A joint autobiography by Siamese twins.)

The Government of Elizabethan England by A.G.R Smith. (Lizzy gets down and dirty with the troops; risqué edition.)

France 1814 -1940; a history by J P T Bury. (Why bother? I didn’t. Just kept it cos I like to look knowledgeable.)

The Karma Sutra by An Over Enthuasstic Exhibitionist. (Umm... cough, cough…how did that get there? It’s not mine…….)

Bring on the Empty Horses by David Niven. (Blow- up horses search for a mystical saddle…again I couldn’t believe it; I always thought David Niven was soooo sophisticated…..)

American Politics Today by J.D Lees, R A Maidment and M Tappin. (Laughable.)

Henry VIII by J.J Scarisbrick. (A man with six wives who died of exhaustion - Lucky Bastard.)

Pregnancy by Gordon Bourne. (A one way ticket to sleepless nights, no sex and 50 denier tights.) To which I say…

WHAT WOULD A MAN KNOW ABOUT IT????

Oh....mind you… sometimes I wonder if some women know about childbirth… I once read a Sheila Kitzinger’s book where she said many women find child birth orgasmic. Orgasmic? Is Ms Kitzinger crazy?? OK…this is sensitive subject… but NO woman I know has EVER implied the experience was remotely sexually pleasurable. Of course I can only talk from my own experience… and that was more like being run over by a 10 ton truck and having all your innards squeezed out at 100 mph. Not pleasant.

Anyhow, having read Ms Kitzinger’s book I came to the conclusion that she was not in her right mind or had overdosed on some pethedine.

(And please no one leave a comment saying they had……. enjoyed childbirth. Otherwise I’ll end up being all bitter and twisted… which Mrs T would not like to be as she far too nice to be angry at stupid, silly authors who clearly don’t know what they are talking about and wear silly flowery dresses, idiotic sandals and……

Oh yes………ummmmmm….where was I?

Ah yes…books….

Well, being as inefficient as I am and skim reading Mrs G’s instructions I went to the fifth line not the fifth sentence which read….

…the English “were naturally lazy and spend half their time taking tobacco.”

Hmm. Yes…that’s what happens when you’re too lazy to read the instructions properly. However, I’d just like to point out that I don’t smoke and have never done; I’m also a very, very good girl…well…most of the time….but you know when I see the chocolate counter I have these strange uncontrollable urges…..

Ok…the fifth sentence actually is...

“Problems of labour discipline were of general concern to statesman and divines during our period. As early as 1536………”

STOOOOOOOOPPPPP!! I can take no more…..no, no, no! My history days, indeed my intellectual days, are over. I am a shell of an intellect……. Here’s the fifth sentence and more of the book I am actually reading…

Peep, peep! That night everything ran like clockwork. Thomas and Percy steamed through the stations making good time everywhere they went. Toot toot! At a station, Thomas noticed a woman looking worried. She had brown hair, blue eyes and 3 children in tow. Her Ford Cmax had broken down and now her children were looking worried.

“We can give you a ride,” said Thomas, “But it will be rather uncomfortable.”

“No thank you then,” replied the woman drawing out her flame thrower, “I can’t stand steam engines and especially ones that talk…”

Worriedly, Thomas sped away into the night as the flames licked his coal wagon… igniting and turning him into a burning mass…

The woman smiled mysteriously and the boys cried for a moment… and then they got out their cameras.

Wow, that was really great! You should try reading this book and if you’d like to hear my review of that fab book A Cow on the Line by the Rev Awdry click here.

Well that about wraps it up for today. See ya all soon!

Mrs T

All writing in this blog is the sole copyright of Jane Turley and not to be infringed upon on pain of death. A very painful death. With steak knives. And dishcloths. Need I say more?

© Jane Turley 2008

Ps I tag anyone who would like to do it but don’t forget to tell me when you have!

Pps. All those books are actually on my shelf…except the Karma Sutra…

Which…

is on my desk….. ..

Oh Good Lord! (MrsT’s eyes pop out of her head as she peruses the book upside down.)

How DO they do THAT???? !!!!

OOOOooo…ummmmmmmm…… Unbelievable!!

Book Review; The Undomesticated Goddess by Sophie Kinsella

This book is one of the biggest loads of tosh I have ever read...it surpasses A Devil Wears Prada and that's saying something. Now, I have actually read 2 of Sophie Kinsella's novels..her first Shopaholic was at times mildy amusing..the second I can't remember at all...pretty much says it all... (By the way they were given to me..I didn't actually buy them.. I don't want my reputation as a chick lit hater ruined) But it looks like Miss Kinsella has just run out of ideas.. a top notch lawyer believes she's made a terrible mistake..goes into some sort of a trance, takes the first train she sees, gets off, wanders around ends up at a house where they think she comes for a position as housekeeper and ends up shagging the gardener.... I'm sorry but it was truly preposterous...it wasn't funny and was on a par with the worst of Mills and Boon. I fail to believe that any woman who has fought her way through law school could be so inherently stupid.. doesn't even know how to use an ironing board? What had she been wearing for her professional job? Uncreasable pyjamas? This was a No 1 best seller in the UK..undeservedly so.

I might as well chuck a book review for The Devil Wears Prada as well. If you like fashion you may just be interested in it. If not, the only way you'll find it interesting is if you get yourself a frontal lobotomy first. I have a wood burning stove which keeps me warm during the cold British nights. Let me tell you that The Devil Wears Prada burnt really well. So did the The Undomesticated Goddess.

© Jane Turley 2008

Book Review; Five on a Hike Together by Enid Blyton

Gee whizz what a smashing, rip roaring read; my favourite Famous Five adventure. Now it's about 35 years since I read it, but here's the basic plot; Julian, Dick, Anne, George and their affectionate mutt Timmy go hiking. There's a tent, a criminal, some potted shrimp, crusty bread and some ginger Beer; mix these ingredient together and you get a rather messy camp site surrounded my maraudering cats and Jeffrey Archer looking for a plot for his next book. Excellent stuff. And why hasn't it had a resurgence in popularity? 'Cos George's character is very PC these days you know.. infact it's a wonder it isn't actively promoted in schools. By the way have you read Noddy? What a greedy, selfish, sixpence- grabbing boy. Just because he wears a silly hat and has an amusing head wobbling disorder doesn't mean he makes a great read. Enid must have been having a bad day; maybe some kids had thrown their ginger beer bottles on her lawn.....

© Jane Turley 2008

Book Review; The Story of The Little Mole Who Knew It Was None of His Business by Werner Holzwarth

A crap read... literally... this book is all about animal excrement.. and I assure you, your children will absolutely love it (as all children are fascinated with doggy doo doos and such like.) You will instantly go up in your child's estimation if you give them this book and what's more if you can do some animal impressions in a squatting position you'll be in line for an Oscar. Only slight concern.. it seems to have been written by a German (who as we know have no sense of humour) although they're particularly fond of frankfurters of which there are a number of in this book......

© Jane Turley 2008

You thought I disliked football? You haven't heard me rant about steam engines!

Just for starters here’s my review of the Thomas Tank Engine book A Cow on the Line by the Rev Awdry. Let’s introduce it with that lovely theme tune from the TV series. Here we go…

♫ ♫ De de de de de de derrrrrrrrrrrr…de de de de de de de de de de derrrrrrrrr…♫ ♫
Come on, get into the spirit now!

(Alternatively, put your ear muffs on.)

There, don’t you feel exhilarated. No? Why not? Perhaps it’s because that repetitive tune is enough to drive a woman who has seen every engine shed and pisston in the whole of England to sheer and utter madness. (Me, obviously) In fact when I hear it, I reach for my double barrelled shotgun in order to blow my brains out. Unfortunately, the kids keep holding me back:

“No, no, Mummy you must watch this bit. It’s so funny!"

Yeah, yeah…and Gordon Brown isn't Scottish.

The reasons I've selected A Cow on the Line to review from the many Thomas books are:

a) It doesn't have Thomas in the title and I'm sick of him.

b) It sounded like it could be marginally more absorbing than the others. ( Until I opened it.)

Review: there’s a cow on the line and regrettably it doesn't get run over which would have made the whole storyline a lot more interesting.

Have you noticed that the Thomas stories are a little repetitive? No? Perhaps you were spaced out by the constant choo-chooing and poop pooping. Strangely enough, when I want to know about puffing and panting it's not this kind of book I want to read.

I suppose the kids like the Thomas books but really they’re not that imaginative or particularly well written... and somewhat dated especially as Thomas doesn't transform into an intergalactic engine that flies to the moon and destroys all other steam engines in his path. Shame really.

De de de de de derrrrrrrrrrr, de de de de de....... ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫

Right then -you should be getting the idea now that I'm not keen on steam engines. In fact the only thing that could be worse than a steam engine is a steam engine full of football supporters. I equate this to being in purgatory: when the inevitable happens and should I have been too naughty a girl to wing my way to the pearly gates my punishment will be an endless train journey squashed in a tatty seat, surrounded by drunken Luton Town Supporters. (All wearing baggy shorts.)

Yes, I’ve stood on, sat on and admired numerous steam engines. I’ve even risked my life by driving with only one hand on the steering wheel whilst pointing out the window and yelling “Look! There’s a steam engine whoo-whoo!” Yes, when you’re desperate to avoid the kids vomiting or stabbing each other in the back seat of the car it’s amazing how even the most boring things become suddenly so interesting. Yes, I’ve been known to become positively orgasmic at the site of a digger or a crane in full action. Sad, but true.

So what is it about steam engines that men find so exciting? Well obviously steam engines have big round wheels which are a major plus factor. (The male fascination with all things round a subject I have already espoused upon.) They are also disgustingly dirty and greasy, rather like football boots. (Which men also find appealing but as any mother knows must remain that way until 10 minutes before they are next required when hubby will use the best cutlery to prise the dirt off and invariably flick it all over the kitchen worktops.) Steam engines are also very noisy and grate on the nerves, again rather like football supporters, and every now again they emit an irritating whistle that sends shivers down the spine of any women stood on a platform knowing soon she will have to fork out an extortionate amount of money for a short and hideously uncomfortable journey. So to sum up; men like noisy, greasy, dirty things with big round bits which occasionally make high pitched squeaking noises. Sorry I can’t fully explain why…but it is obviously why Jordan is so popular.

Pictured below is Jordan. Britain's premier glamour model. Just as well she didn't want to be swimmer as she might have encountered a few problems. Beach ball might have been a suitable alternative though. Rumour has it that she is involved in scientific experiments to see how far human skin can stretch before it spontaneously combusts - not long to go now obviously.

Implants at their best/worst. Why Jordan is pointing at her breasts I've no idea as even without
my glasses I'm not having difficulty in seeing them.

Anyhow, here are my top tips for ensuring your son doesn’t become one of those old men lovingly stroking some olds nuts or a large rusty pisston;

1.Don’t buy him a train set. Buy him Monopoly instead; with any luck he might become a property magnet and you won’t have to sell your house to pay off his student debts.

2.Don’t buy him a Casey Jones type hat because a) he’ll look pretty stupid and b) he may end up as a cross dresser.

3.Don’t buy any Thomas the Tank Engine Books and if anyone gives them to you burn them along with any copies of Postman Pat. (Sorry, it won’t be smokeless fuel, but it’ll be very satisfying.)

4.Don’t let him watch any Thomas the Tank Engine video or DVD… he might pick up a Liverpool accent (which frankly would be worse than becoming a train driver.)

5.Encourage him to play “chef” in the kitchen and if he can also develop a lisp he could become an overpaid TV chef, producing inedible dishes but being paid heaps of cash which hopefully you will be able to (discreetly) embezzle.