We Are The Champions!

I'm celebrating this week as on Sunday Master Benedict and his U9 school football team won a significant football tournament in our vicinity. Hurrah! What makes this a really special achievement is that the team are just a small school team competing against club teams who recruit from all around the area and practice regularly. In contrast, Master Ben's team fly by the seat of their pants! They've had very few training opportunities and sometimes haven't even had a substitute - and they have still come shining through; I'm so proud of them all for this really wonderful achievement.

It will be sad when the boys move on to different schools in July. They've made some valuable friendships and had some terrific fun - and so have all the parents. I've had a splendid time too yelling from the sidelines, abusing the opposition (under my breath of course) and writing my football reports for the local newspaper and, in earlier days, for the BBC. It's been a roller coaster of a ride and I've loved every minute!

Here's my own little record of the event for posterity;

The team warm up below using Coach (Mrs) Johnston's unusual methods - in this brief excerpt Master Ben demonstrates to his team mates the importance of mastering Irish dancing techniques. Alas, Master Tommy and Master Remington fail miserably - both opting for Coach Johnston's preferred choice of sixties dance manoeuvres. Master Tommy selects The Incontinence Jump whilst Master Remington attempts to mimic the Irish kick but then opts for the Locomotion.

Above it's tough talk from Coach Johnston with Master Karl taking the full frontal assault. Fortunately, a team mate discreetly blocks out out the view of Coach Johnston's bicycle pump - thus preventing any untoward photo opportunities from the gutter press. On the right, Mr Johnston attempts to look interested but can't resist practising for his session down at the pole dancing club. Master Craig, grinning, on the far left makes the most of the photo opportunity

Master Ben (right) and Master Miles look pensive discussing how best to foul the opposition without anyone noticing. Master Miles has just whispered in Master Ben's ear " What you have to do is stick your fingers up the opposition's nose. The Ref will not believe such a foul is possible!" Master Ben, duly concerned, is looking to Coach Johnston for confirmation whist attempting to edge his fingers towards to Master Miles nose to test out the theory.

 Below the two teams make a grand entrance into the stadium. Master Ben's team wear red and he is at the back wearing no 6. It should read 666 but I'm not too good on the laundry front. There is a lot of wild screaming particularly from a woman who I am not related to and bear no physical resemblance. The goalie in yellow is the opposition goalie - this is obvious because he puts his hand up when he realises he has forgotten to put his boots on.  

Play gets under way. Master Ben tries to combine the Irish fling leg kick with the upper body Liberace hand flick but fails - thus pulling a grimace only comparable to Gordon Brown's when he finally realised he screwed up the economy.

Half time and the team lead 2-1. Master Ben, decides he is too hot and is going to risk removing his bullet proof vest. Master Miles behind Ben has dropped his knuckle duster and is trying to discreetly put it back on. I think that's also Master Jake behind Miles sheathing his dagger in his sock. You can just see Mr Johnston holding out the plastic bowl that the boys spit their gum shields into.

Full time and Coach Johnston looks down into her sick bucket. Somehow, even though the boys have had greater possession and more shots on goal, the opposition have fought hard and sneaked a crafty goal to draw level. Out of shot, Mr Johnston is seen on the balcony quietly stringing up a rope from the stadium flag mast.

The teams select 5 players for the penalties. It's a tense, nervous atmosphere as the penalties get under way. Coach Johnston gets out her hip flask, Mr Johnston checks the noose and Mrs Turley fumbles in her bag for her slingshot and takes aim at the opposition goalie.  But fortunately.....

.. the team take the trophy winning 4-2 on penalties! Master Jamie, having only switched from striker to goalie this season saved the day with a firm rebuffal of a shot designed to take off his head. Coach Johnston looks a bit more relaxed now she knows she will not be lynched and below Captain Craig takes yet another after match photo opportunity - he's obviously modelling him self on George Burns.

" If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it."
George Burns Master Craig

Some of the lads strike up an informal pose. Master Jake, who has scored more goals than Pele, takes centre stage with his arm dangerously placed around the off spring of Mrs Johnston. ( Always best to keep on her good side.) The three missing team members are repacking the "equipment" case. Carefully.

Thus ended 4 years of fun and friendship with a mighty and deserving victory for 10 special kids.

To read some of the slightly dubious, politically incorrect and mainly humorous football reports of Mrs Jane Turley, Housewife Extraordinaire, follow the links here.

Disclaimer; this commentary does not represent the views and opinions of Master Ben's team. Apart from the outcome it is wholly fictitious. Master Ben's team fully endorse the FA Respect campaign. They do not, however, endorse David Beckham's haircuts.