This Book is Brillant by Jane Turley

What are the universally hated professions? These days it appears it is bankers, (sorry Mr Intrepid!) closely followed by builders (Sorry Gary!) and naturally - the estate agent. (Anybody an estate agent out there? No?  Phew, I can at least rant about them without feeling too guilty...)

Oh, in my experience, solicitors are a bit of a pain in the arse as well. Have you ever known a solicitor to actually contact you and say they've done something on time? NO! They always wait for you to ring them and ask what's happening and invariably the work has never been done. They're always missing a mysterious piece of paper or waiting for the other person's solicitor to send them another piece of mysterious paper..... I tell you, if I ever move house again I will be standing outside my solicitors with a red hot poker. You know, theoretically, you can actually conduct a house sale in about 2 weeks - not in the UK you can't though - not with your solicitor picking his nose all the time and filing his paperwork in the bin. Still, it's a small consolation that so many young people apparently want the prestige (ha, ha!) of being a solicitor they will actually be too many of them in a few years time and they'll end up with less pay than your average plumber!

Oh plumbers. I forgot about them. Hmm. They're not so great either are they? The one who springs to mind is the one who dropped his blowtorch is Mrs Midwife's sister-in law's attic and legged it. As a result her house burnt down. Think I'm kidding? I'm not. In fact, there's been two fires in our small village in the last few years - Mrs Midwife's and another one a couple of weeks back. In fact, I glanced out the window as I was pulling Master Ben's blind down  and I saw a huge, black plume of smoke. Wow, I thought, maybe that nutter with the helicopter pad (yes there is one) has crashed!  I was all for getting out Ben's Matchbox helicopter and leaving it on his doorstep as a replacement - I'm so thoughtful. Actually, it turned one of the retirement bungalows across the other side of the village had blown up in a gas explosion. See, I always say old folks eat too many Brussel sprouts and no one believes me......

Anyway, I'm kinda worried that I might have joined the ranks of the most hated professions myself - as a book reviewer. Now I know you, Dear Readers, are familiar enough with me to know that I'm a kind, sweet and good natured soul but I fear with my naughty book reviews I may get a reputation as bad as Cruella deVil. Oh woe, woe is me! I like to be liked! I don't want to be a baddie! But the problem is I just have to speak the truth as I find it - Yes, I am the woman who tells her friends if they have visible facial hair. What good friend wouldn't? But reviews, like any valuation, are just one person's opinion at a given time aren't they? People really shouldn't take them too seriously.....should they? Oh dear, poor Mrs T is all  upset that maybe will she soon be universally hated.......

Cripes, and what happens if I get my own novel published? Will all the authors I've reviewed come out of the woodwork and call it a pile of poo even if it is the work of genius that it obviously is? Oh dear, dear, dear.....they do say all publicity is good publicity but I'm not so sure.....

Hmm..... maybe I should be cunning. Perhaps I should change the name of  my book from Capital Crusader to This Book is Brilliant. Yeah, that's a good idea; it's pretty hard to review a book without the title and that one sort has a ring of success about it.? Kinda memorable eh? What d'you reckon Readers? Shall I do it?!

Anyway, on another matter (noticed how I've avoided the subject of bankers and builders!) this morning I had to take back a pair of trousers which were supposed to be "high waisted" but turned out to sit well below the waist. If there's any fashion designers out there please take note that people over 40 or who have had children DO NOT WANT THEIR BOTTOM ON PUBLIC DISPLAY and neither do we want to be hitching our jeans up every 30 seconds or look like we're about to break dance outside the school gates. Right have you got it? Well make some darn trousers that fit real women will you? And whilst I'm at it, I don't want skinny leg trousers or ones like masts that I could sail round the world with. Just normal stuff PLEASE. Oh yes, and also make some tee shirts with proper sleeves as well and not those ones that cut off at the shoulder with a silly tight elastic fitting that makes you look like mutton dressed up as lamb. Let's leave that to Priscilla Presley shall we?

Oh and whilst I'm in self pitying, ranting mode..have you seen the Kylie Minogue video for her latest release All The Lovers? Ghastly, ghastly, ghastly. I like the song and I even like Kylie's boots but all those folks cavorting in their underwear? No, no, no, no. It looks like some sort of Roman orgy but with no grapes. Not what I want to see when I'm eating my tea. Anyway, here's Kylie with All The Lovers but without that awful video;



Oh, there's also another naughty book review coming up from me next week on The View so stay tuned!