Breaking News On The London Book Fair

There were no literary agents under thirty-five without waistcoats at The London Book Fair.

There were no publishers under thirty-five without waistcoats and glasses at The London Book Fair.

There was a very dishy science-fiction writer (closer to forty though) without a waistcoat and glasses with whom I had a very nice chat. (Which luckily didn't involve any techno-babble about space ships and fantasy worlds - otherwise I would have shot him.)

However, stupidly, I forgot to get his name.

So Mr T is safe again. No doubt he is counting his blessings.

Okay, I am just joking about the waistcoats. Literary agents don't always wear them. Just some of the time. It's called style.

Apparently.

Two people without waistcoats. Amazing. Look at that title above where it says London Book Fair. It reads "Books opening the mind. Doors opening the future."
I'm pretty sure my book A Modern Life has opened a few minds - but probably closed a few doors. Hum.

School Holidays 2 and the London Book Fair

Mrs T:   Master Jacob, would you please unload the dishwasher and tidy the kitchen whilst I'm out?

Master Jacob:   What is this? Nazis Germany?

Where have I gone wrong, readers? Where?

On another matter entirely, I have a ticket to go to the London Book Fair and if I feel it's safe to leave the Young Masters with an unstacked dishwasher I may leave them to their own devices. I may not have a home to come back to but it may be a risk worth taking.

Now I have decided that, if I get off my sorry arse, and go to the Book Fair later today I shall keep my eye out for:

1) A healthy young male (heterosexual) literary agent, preferably under 35, with a sense of humour. It would also be an advantage if he did not wear a chequered waistcoat.

Okay that's not going to happen.

2) A healthy young male (heterosexual) publisher, preferably under 35, with a sense of humour who does not wear a chequered waistcoat and glasses.

Hmm...even more unlikely.

3) A healthy young male (heterosexual) author, preferably under 35, with a sense of humour, who does not wear a waistcoat, glasses and who does not write science fiction.

Hmm....no *ucking chance.

Okay, I think I need to look for something more obtainable.

I know - I'll look for one of those stands where you get a free chocolate-chip cookie with the useless glossy magazine giveaway. Oh and the restroom.

The ultimate dilemma for any male literary agent. Which waistcoat?

The School Holidays

There are some pretty diabolical things about the school holidays. However, there is one good thing and this next sentence sums it up:

I am going back to bed.

Bliss. Wake me up in a couple of hours.

Morgan Freeman and Liam Neeson give directions.

You have to watch the video below right to the very end, especially if you're a film buff like me. It's one of the funniest things I've seen for ages! Thanks to author, Karen Wyld, for pointing me in the right direction. I have a lot of trouble with sat navs myself - although this doesn't involve Morgan Freeman talking to me, only me talking to myself. Sad, I know.

Farewell My Young Apprentice!

Sadly, yesterday, I had to say goodbye to my young apprentice. Early readers of this blog will recall my adventures with him and will, no doubt, also be traumatised by this sad, sad news. As you would expect, I waved goodbye, tears running down my face, as my young apprentice made his way down the driveway. As he disappeared, I was choked with emotion, knowing I would never see him again.

I know you readers will share with me my overwhelming sadness, so I've decided to share with you my last keepsake photo of dear Luke Warmwater.

The picture is fuzzy because my vision was so blurred from crying I couldn't focus properly.

Yes, so there you have it. Luke Warmwater has finally passed to the great force in the sky. He has been replaced by a more more advanced model which I am calling The Emperor. I am a tad nervous about sitting on The Emperor as he spins at 1600mph which could be a little...vigorous. However, The Emperor also holds 9kg of washing, as opposed to LukeWarmwater's paltry 7kg, which to my mind makes him a force to be reckoned with.

The Emperor. He's big. He's mean. He likes things dirty.
 He's my kinda guy.

Is Amazon the new Big Brother?

Forget the NSA, forget MI5, the people really watching you are the men behind the desks at Amazon.

I swear to God Amazon knows everything about me and, since I've ordered shoes and clothes through them, those grey suits also know my foot and dress size and could probably even make a guess at the size of my botty.

They've also got a huge list of everything I've ever purchased, an even bigger list of anything I've ever looked at and, worryingly, a record of all the books on my Kindle.

Which may or may not be embarrassing.

*Whistles nonchalantly*

Now, as if this scrutiny isn't enough, I've noticed that lately Amazon has been sending me suggestions for items to purchase which don't have a lot of relation to what I've been looking for.

What's that about?

I've been thinking about it and come to the conclusion that it's almost as if someone at Amazon is deliberately trying to provoke poor Mrs T into one of her full-scale rants.

For example, if you remember, a few weeks ago there was the incident of the artist's Banksy's tablemats which got me really riled. Then, on Saturday, there was another suggestion which seemed even more perverse - a suggestion to buy tickets to a  Barry Manilow concert.

Barry Manilow ?

I say again 

Barry Manilow ?

Milton Keynes Tickets to Barry Manilow UK Tour Barry Manilow Wembley Arena, London (more locations) From £ 30 Savings 33% Barry Manilow. Looking - like Barry Manilow. Well somebody has to.

Just how old do those jokers at Amazon think I am? Ninety?

Do they think I am deaf and blind?

Now I know some folks expect people over forty to be sitting in armchairs making whimsical comments about Paul McCartney or humming a funeral march but some of us actually listen to popular music. Or - to use a more hip-hop trendy term - "pop" music. In fact I am so "with it" and "in the groove" I even have striped pyjamas like Robin Thicke. In fact, I'd go so far as to say Robin was copying my style wearing that striped suit at the Grammys.

I suppose what I'm trying to say in a roundabout way is:

I would rather coat myself in nail varnish and set myself alight than go to a Barry Manilow concert.

Anyway I thought the Barry Manilow incident was bad enough until yesterday morning I got this email:

Milton Keynes

Online Grammar Course UK-TEFL Redeem Online £ 19 Savings 81%

Now I know someone at Amazon really is taking the mickey.

It's April Fool's Day Today Soooooo.....

I thought why not just post a piccy of myself!

This photo has not been photo-shopped. However, I cunningly instructed the boys not to get my stomach
 or legs into the shot: a woman's got to have some pride. Admittedly, I don't have that much pride (bearing in mind I've just eaten one piece of flapjack and two chocolate chip cookies.)