A Truly Awful Poem

It annoys me when I have to be polite
And sound all erudite
When I want to be rude
Stick my fingers up and be crude
It's such a pain being an English Rose
Who would never pick her nose*
Sometimes I want to say naughty words
And call people nerds
But I don't
Cos I'm nice
And always think twice**
I also write particularly bad poems
Not even half as good as Wilfred Owen.
Who was very unlucky and got shot
Whereas I have just lost the plot



*in public
** only sometimes

My Analysis of Recent Articles at The Guardian

Blimey, I haven't even had time to write my list of lost things yet and The Guardian are already banging on about feminism again. Apparently, it's not okay to call women "girls" but it okay to call men "boys."

Surely, there's more to life than that to complain about? I can think of some really big issues worth having a rant about. I could even make up some stories to rant about. Maybe about something I've lost. (Not a ring obviously - see last post.) How about when I lost my virginity? That's got to be a hell of a lot more interesting to just about everyone including feminists and misogynists.

Anyway, I am happy if a man wants to call me a "girl." The fact that he would probably be 95 years old, blind and suffer from senile dementia is irrelevant - it would still make me feel young and sexy.

The Guardian are also whinging about the niceness of the Royal Christening photos today. What bores. Anyway, I can't take that article seriously as it's written by someone who is clearly an Elvis impersonator.

Anyway, being an expert in analysis I have created this pie chart so you can easily see for yourselves what is happening lately at The Guardian.

What the hell is going on at The Guardian?

For the benefit of you folks abroad, I must first explain that The Guardian is meant to be a bastion of British newspaper intellectual reading. However, of late, I've had some weird clickbait stuff feeding into my Facebook stream which has caused me to react rather like this:

"What the heck? Did I click on The Daily Mail in error? Oh crap. I didn't. It is The Guardian."

"No really? Another article on feminism?"

"Hmm. What? Another article on Jeremy Clarkson and Top Gear? "

"Okay. This definitely looks like a clickbait article. Let me see...uh-huh...okay...so sexual deviancy in feminists is fashionable. Hmm...where's that link to The Daily Mail?"

"Hmm. What another article on Tim Hunt? Leave the man alone, he's a nobel prize winner. He made a poor joke - he didn't massacre innocent babies! I'm going to stick my head in a bowl of sand in a minute. But first, I'll have a quick look at the culture section..."

"Oh God. Not another article by Matt Haig on depression. Yes, yes I know it's good to have these things out in the open but, come on, some of us authors are trying to be upbeat about not selling like E L James. We don't need kicking when we're down!"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... another and another article about Fifty Shades. Noooooooooooo!"

Okay so you get my drift?

So you see all that repetitive stuff at The Guardian has been getting on my nerves. However, none of those articles, which even if a bit repetitive are generally well written with an informative or intellectual stance, can compare to THIS article I read a couple of days ago. I suggest you pop over and read it.

Done yet?

Wake up now.

I said WAKE UP.

Yep, it's official. That article is the dullest article in the history of British newspapers. Basically, to sum up - a woman loses a ring, finds it, loses it again and then finds it.

That's the sort of ludicrous crap you read on my blog. (But hopefully a tad more entertaining.)

Anyway, I hereby crown the author of the piece with my newly created Mrs Turley Awards for Writing as the winner in the "Dullest Writer of the Decade" category.

Let's pray to God (and to Buddha, Zeus, Jehovah, John Lennon and Kevin Pietersen) that Mr Turpin never writes a work of fiction. 

To think Tolkien wrote 4 epic awe-inspiring books about a lost ring. Obviously, Mr Turpin didn't take any influence from Tolkien. I'm not sure where Mr Turpin might have taken his influence from - maybe he was just sitting on the bog and couldn't think of anything but shit? So that was all that came out?

Okay, I'd better drop this subject now or people will think I am a meanie.

However, I will be back tomorrow with a list of all the things I have lost. It may be a substansial list.

Correction. It will be a substantial list.

The editorial team asleep at The Guardian.  It took me a while but I finally figured out how Mr Turpin got his article printed - he must have gone for an job interview and was asked to read a piece of his work. The editorial team duly fell asleep when they heard the ring story and Mr Turpin dashed in and uploaded it to the website whilst the rest of the staff were watching Wimbledon. It was, of course, a bit daring of Mr Turpin to come up with something as devious as that, but then again, it's a lot quicker than writing a sequel to The Lord of the Rings.

A New All Time Low for The Housewife Extraordinaire

Oh dear, dear, dear, readers, something terrible has happened in the Turley household and put my position as Housewife Extraordinaire up for serious review.

Now some time ago, I had to replace my washing machine. I can't remember exactly when that was so I reckon that's well over a year ago and probably closer to two years.

And last week the Good Mr T pointed out to me that, for all that time, I had only been putting the clothes onto wash on the rinse cycle.

I haven't, in fact, washed any clothes properly with detergent for nearly two years.

Oh God. This is a new low for me. That'll teach me to read instruction manuals without my glasses.

The funny this is I had noticed that some of Master Jacob's sweaty tennis shirts had come out of the machine not quite as fragrant as I'd expected. Unfortunately, I had put this down to the synthetic nature of the shirts. I'd even noticed that there didn't appear to much (or any in fact) soap suds in the machine. However, it still didn't click.

Anyway, it turns out it with there was nothing wrong with the tennis shirts or the quality of the detergent it was just my gross incompetence.

Mr T hasn't filed for divorce yet. But he has taken his shirts to the launderette.

Mr T's new attire. Don't you just hate it when someone keeps labouring a point?

Podcast excerpt of The Changing Room read by Simon Denham

Summer is upon us. (Well until about 10pm tonight when the thunderstorms and torrential downpours are due.) So I am out in the garden erecting fences with Mr T who is driving me mad off work.

An author's job is never done. Sigh. Expect the sequel to my novel in about 2020.

In the meantime, here is a excerpt of The Changing Room read by Simon Denham of Readers in the Know, a place where you can find lots of books that you might never otherwise discover. Simon reads from a selection of the books from Readers in the Know and you can find his frequent podcasts on itunes. If you sign up for notifications for books and offers via Readers in the Know there is also the opportunity to win a $100.00. Yay! That's my kind of competition - no having to think up a 25 word byline for a product you have no interest in. Just stick your name into a draw! What's not to like?

You can also follow Readers in the Know via Facebook.

I hope you enjoy the excerpt!

I wish I was Jason Statham

Wouldn't it be fantastic to be Jason Statham?

Now the reason I am saying this is because I don't like to be a depressed author so I'd rather pretend to be someone else if that stops me sinking into one of those boozy morbid phases authors are known for. Now there are a good many reasons why an author might be depressed, even one as buoyant as me. I might list some of those reasons in detail one day. However, yesterday was one of those days when I had to do some therapeutic acting. Yep, I pretended I was Jason Statham pulverizing some no-good con artist into a pulp. (In my imagination obviously - Mr T wouldn't be too happy about me kicking his butt and demolishing the kitchen)

Rather like this:



Now you may wonder what brought on this rather bizarre behaviour.

Well, it was because yesterday I discovered that one of my books which had been won in a book giveaway and which I had sent to the winner (personally inscribed and beautifully gift-wrapped) was for sale on Ebay.

I was as a mad as hell. Oh yes.

Now I was kinda hoping that my short story collection was going to a book lover who might even enjoy my stories enough to review them. Sadly, that was the not case. The winner was obviously someone who enters numerous competitions and sells his winnings off to line his own pockets.  Unfortunately, this revelation came on the back of discovering that my books (and indeed many other authors' books) are being illegally used all over the net on scam/piracy sites to con readers out of the personal details, infect computers or defraud authors of earnings.

Oh, and let's not forget the book reviewers who supposedly can't get their digital files to work, request an Amazon copy from you and instantly return it so they can fleece money out of you. They probably don't think we notice - but we do.

Anyway, let's not go into all the sordid details. It's not a pretty place. Let's just stick to this latest incident. Now I mentioned what I discovered yesterday on one of my writing forums and some of my writing friends took a very liberal view and said this particular gentleman night well be selling my book for charity or simply because he'd run out of room on his book shelves. One even quoted Francis of Assisi to me.

Obviously I have some very generous-spirited writer friends. Kudos to them for them for being so kind-hearted. Unfortunately, I am a bit more of a cynic.

The bottom line is authors are getting ripped-off all over the net. There is a whole industry scamming authors and very few authors are in the position to do anything about it without investing a lot of time and money. The lack of morals among some of these scam artists is truly astounding. Perhaps the success of authors like J K Rowling, Stephen King and E L James has left the impression that all authors are flush with cash when the truth is the exact opposite. In fact, most authors have virtually no income at all from their writing and support themselves with other jobs or are supported by partners or live on the breadline. But this is more than about loss of income. It is about the sheer lack of respect for the law and for authors who may have taken years honing their skills and writing their novels. It's callous, selfish, illegal and immoral behaviour. Obviously my latest experience was not illegal one - but it still leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth.

So a word of warning for anyone who thinks becoming an author is a one way ticket to fame and fortune - it's not. Do not go into publishing unless you a have a very,very thick skin. Because I assure you - you will need it. Be prepared to be rejected, humiliated, scammed and cold-shouldered more times than you can ever imagine.

Anyway, yesterday was a bit of a milestone for me. I decided I am going to start fighting back. So the first thing I am gonna do is write a movie script where the lead role is a frustrated author (played by Jason Statham) who take his kick-ass revenge on pirates, scammers and sour-puss reviewers who fleece money and books out of authors with no intention of ever reviewing.  I haven't decided what the title will be yet but here's some possibilities:

Trial by Author.

Kick-Ass Author

Revenge of the Unholy Author

The Author and The AK47 Submachine Gun

Lethal Author

Taken (by an Author)

Fuck You Mother-Fucker Scammer

The Expendables 4 -  The Book of Judgement. (Statham, Stallone, Schwarzenegger take on a piracy cartel and shoot the fuck out of them.)

Well you get the idea. It'll probably start something like this:

Now just to end with I want to thank all of you who have purchased, reviewed or sent me messages about my books. Without you it would be hard to keep up my enthusiasm for writing. I truly appreciate you support.

The music in the video is Volatile Reaction by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) 
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Thank you, Kevin.

*Usual Mrs T mania will resume shortly*

Gimme a by-line

So last week was half term in the UK and I was out and about with the boys attending tennis tournaments and cricket matches so not a lot of writing was done. In fact, a big fat zero! However, in between all the dashing around I did spot this at the bottom of my drive.

I need evidence.

It rather tickled me. Someone at Sky obviously has a sense of humour - or they're very overconfident about their customer service. You'd never see a statement like that on a BT (British Telecommunications) van - it would cause riots in the streets.

Now here's my question to you:

What should the by-line be on a British Telecommunications (BT) van? Expect some answers from me in due course. In the meantime, for a Mrs T BT rant, I suggest reading this post.