New Year Update

I have had a number of requests from different sources to update my blog so, finally, here I am.

Firstly, I want to thank all those of you who have continued to pop over here over the course of the last year. It has been heartening to see that my blog has not been entirely abandoned and that people still want to read my musings or check on my wellbeing. Thank you all very much.

So, the last year has not been easy. There have been many times I've wanted to let off steam on my blog. However, I decided that for the moment, at least, I will not directly write about the traumas I
have been going through. I am not yet divorced, primarily because my life has been so chaotic with endless problems arising that I have not yet completed all the paperwork. But I shall be granted a divorce of that there is no doubt. The terms will either be settled in mediation or, if need be, in court.

And I will not be signing my husband's small print clauses to silence my voice. That might mean going to court and stripping away my last few assets. But so be it. I had a very frugal upbringing and can do without and I am a lot tougher than people think. I'm not going to be sticking my head in the oven or blowing my brains over a divorce or being broke - a world shortage of chocolate maybe. But a divorce? No.

So the good news is that I still I have a sense of humour and this is what has kept me going alongside the support of my many friends. I have some awesome friends. I still find time to laugh daily and slowly I am healing.




What's more, I even got asked on a date last week! I declined though. I have enough crap going on
without dealing with date dilemmas and men who think with their penises rather than their brains. (I might have to revisit this subject in length at some point.)

I would be lying though if I denied the fact that I have shed a lot of tears over the last year but these
are not tears over the end of my relationship they are tears of frustration, anger and sadness at the problems I have been left to deal with and the fallout that has directly my children's future and wellbeing. The tears intensify every time my husband's family try to manoeuvre my children away from me. However, this manoeuvring hasn't worked so far and it won't because I am my children's rock and they know I would lay down my life for them.

On the work front, I have three jobs, lost one through the company going into receivership and am shortly to lose the third through redundancy. I have had a tonne of other crap to deal with which I shan’t even bother to write about for fear of this blog becoming an essay.

However, here I am. I am alive, facing my struggles head-on and doing the best I can in very trying circumstances. I am sad to be leaving my current job as it has been a source of great pleasure and friendship in a difficult time but life goes on and hopefully a new adventure awaits me.

On a different note, as you can see my blog appareance has started to change as I am thinking about
writing again. I think it will be sporadic at first but expect to see me back here more regularly in the coming months.

And we shall have some fun! Laughter is always the best medicine. Finding humour in the small things around me is probably what’s saved me in the last few years.

And I don’t intend to stop laughing until I stop breathing.

Ideas, Please.

Okay, folks. Time to come out of the woodwork. I need ideas and themes to write about. Anything you fancy. Next week needs to be Humour Week on this blog so hit me with your ideas and I'll see what I can come up with.

Update: So I never got to write a Humour week. Unfortunately, life is just a little too complicated at the moment. However, feel free to list any ideas below so when my nightmare marriage is over I can get back to writing. I am hoping this will be before the end of the year.

Please God let that be the case so I can start the year afresh!

Still Alive and Kicking

Well the good news is I am still alive. I am also hideously bored at the moment at work so I am doing the inconceivable and writing a post. Unfortunately, my work hours are not the best and sometimes I have to work until 10.30pm. Not ideal as a now single parent. And whilst Master Ben is 16 he is not always the best at cooking himself tea.

Sadly, this is the legacy of a marriage breakdown.

Ah, well. I tried my best. And paid a heavy price.

Anyway, on lighter matters my lovely son, Jacob, left to go the US on Wednesday on a tennis scholarship. It's been an emotional few days as I am very close to my boys and whilst I was excited for Jacob that his new adventure was beginning, I was also very sad at his departure. Here's a picture of Jacob (on the left) and his friend James who were travelling together to Kansas. I've now been writing this blog for 10 years so if you remember Jacob as a small boy you'll probably be surprised at how he looks now!

On other matters, I am wondering if I should sign up to a dating site and amuse myself between customers. Thoughts anyone? However, if any of you ladies out there know any eligible single men who'd appreciate an overweight but, hopefully, entertaining humourist do send them my way. I'm not overly fussy - so long as they're taller than Tom Cruise and have a sense of humour I'm interested. (At my age I can't afford to be fussy. However, ending up with a fella shorter than Tiny Tom after years of ridiculing him would be the ultimate humiliation.)

Any other qualities I'm looking for? Hmm...

Must like frozen pizza.
Must appreciate the arts.
Knows how to balance a cheque book but doesn't have to be loaded.
Preferably looks good in Speedos and tinned spaghetti but if he can make me laugh I can make an exception.

So girls get looking for me. And any blokes dropping by drop me a comment in you're on the market. ( Keep it clean though -  I have a sensitive nature.)

Applications from senile multi-millionaires also welcome. Preferably with a heart condition.

I am a humour writer

I am a humour writer
I am a humour writer
I am a humour writer

I am thinking folks that if I keep telling myself I am a humour writer eventually my humour will return. Not that it ever really left but these days other priorities have to take place over indulging myself with cavorting around on the net or writing mentally challenging fiction. (I'll let you decided in which way my fiction is mentally challenging.)

The good news is I've had some awesome ideas and inspiration for some new novels. It may be some time before I get them down on paper but I predict new heights of stupidity on the comedy front and drama on the thriller front from me in the years to come.

And we have a female PM to follow. And Brexit. And Jeremy Corbyn. And Diane Abbot. And Boris Johnson.

And Donald Trump!

Oh dear God. Could a humour writer ask for anything better? Not really. It's so unfortunate I have to go to work and not find time to be creative when there is so much going on in the world at the moment that needs analyzing on my blog.

Oh well maybe I could do a little something...

Watch this space.

Midnight thoughts

It's nearly 12 pm. My hands are covered with paint as I prepare my home for viewing by the estate agents. I'm tired and emotional.

Earlier in the day, I watched my youngest son, the no 1 seed in a tennis tournament (which is based on his past record) crash out in the second round to an opponent with not even half his talent. It's tough watching your child be defeated but when only three years ago they won a national tennis title at Wimbledon it's a lot harder.

And I wonder why I wasted so much of my life with someone who has created so much havoc in our lives and who, even now,  refuses to rise above his narcissistic self-esteem issues to salvage anything for his children.

There is such a burning anger in me. I know I should let it go or it may destroy me. But right now, when he has taken so much from me, destroyed every aspect of our marriage, stripped me of my family inheritance and the ability to secure the future for my children through his foolish actions, there is no forgiveness in me.

Nor will there ever be.

I have now cast aside all my trust, patience, forgiveness and my love.

And I will use my anger to drive me forward.

https://youtu.be/2vjPBrBU-TM

A Worrying Start to the Month

I was feeling pretty pleased with myself earlier this morning as I'd made it through the April A to Z Challenge when, truthfully, at the outset I didn't think I'd last the distance. So, as I am on the late shift today and have a 12.30pm start at work I thought I'd take a few cheeky minutes in bed before I tackled the housework. So I jumped into bed, leant over the side and picked up my iPad, popped on my glasses and set about spellchecking my last A to Z.

Only, horror upon horrors, since writing my last A to Z in the middle of night, my eyesight had drastically deteriorated! The page was all fuzzy when normally my typos are jumping out at me and slapping me around the face like a wet mackerel to remind me of my gross grammar incompetencies. Immediately, I cursed the menopause, the wear and tear of getting old, and rued the fact that with such rapid eyesight deterioration I was definitely not going to be able to avoid an optician's appointment and new prescription glasses.

That's when I sensed something else was wrong.

That's when I realised I was wearing two pairs of glasses.

Oh God, please don't let me do that at work. Please. It's bad enough being the eldest in the shop, don't let it look like I've got dementia as well.

Thank you, Lord.

Z is for Zealot

In previous years on the A to Z, I finished off with some spectacularly bad poems: Zachary the Inventor and Ziggy the Zoologist. This was mainly because I couldn't think of any other word other than "zoo" which is not very impressive for someone who purports to be a writer. However, this year I have actually thought of a Z word which needs discussing!

And that word is "zealot".

Be afraid, be very afraid!

So a dictionary explanation of zealot is as follows:

A person who is fanatical or uncompromising in their religious, political, or other ideals.

Now as you probably know by now I am quite plain-speaking so my simplistic definition of a zealot is someone who is...a complete nutter fruitcake. Sadly, there seems to be a lot of nutt.. fruitcakes in the world at present. I think most ordinary folks were hoping that the kind of zealots we are seeing active today had died along with Nazis Germany. Not so. In fact, the world seems to be bursting with nutters at the moment. Here, in the UK, as we approach an impromptu general election the nutters are out in force. In addition, almost anyone who is remotely famous seems to have an opinion on the political scene and especially the issue of Brexit which, undoubtedly, is the key election issue.

Unfortunately, a number of my Facebook friends appear to be nutter mode too. Some of them have
been banging on and off about the injustice of Brexit in various ways for months. There's no other way to say this - but their ranting is like being boxed in the ears indefinitely. Now, contrary to what you folks might think, I am actually pretty discreet about my political opinions on FB because, unlike this blog which is very much my own personal space, I don't see Facebook as a forum for sounding off about my political opinions and hacking off the majority of my friends who just want to see nice pics and be generally supportive of each other.

Yeah so since this is my space, I can come straight out and say it - the Facebook zealots are mainly (okay they were ALL) opposers to Brexit or to the present government. Somehow, they all suddenly seem to be experts on European politics and economics! Huh? How can this be?  In fact, I've noticed it seems a common trait in Remoaners generally to have a ridiculous level of self-righteousness that couldn't get any bigger without shoving a large poker up their asses. Several times over.

Now I enjoy a good political argument but it's impossible to have a reasoned argument of any sort with a zealot. It's a complete waste of time attempting to discuss anything which might otherwise prove interesting or enlightening with someone with opposing views but who is less zealous. You might as well go and do something more constructive like clean the loo or put the bins out. Generally, I just let out a large groan when I see another one of their moaning posts. I suspect most of their other friends do too, even those on the same political wavelength.

Anyway, it's not really their political opinions which irk me. There's nothing wrong with having passionate ideals and without people who are highly motivated by injustice some of the biggest political and social changes in history would never have happened. But, let's face it, European politics and economics is not such a clear cut issue as, for example, the abolition of slavery or the Suffragette movement. So what really annoys me about these new pro-European zealots is the way in which their opinions are written - mostly in a condescending, "holier than thou" manner which is extremely
offensive to anyone who might hold the opposing view. Some of the insinuations, in particular against those who have might have supported Brexit, have suggested that those who support it are bigoted, dim, uneducated, xenophobic etc etc etc.

Oh really? All of them? Huh?

Now I can't proclaim to be a saint when it comes to throwing insults (obviously) as I do it regularly on my blog but, in my defence, I only do it to people who I consider fair game and who, in the very unlikely event they ever stumble across this blog, would be unlikely to be concerned about a few jokes by an insignificant blogger.

Anyway, what it boils down to is I'm fed up with these know-it-alls. I'm at the point where I might actually rise to the bait or just delete them from Facebook. I like seeing pictures of fluffy cats on my timeline, reading personal success stories and seeing what daily stuff folks are getting up to!  If I want to read political discussions I can hang out at The Guardian or The Telegraph and if I just want some pictures of giant arses (political or otherwise) I can hang out at The Mail.

So that wraps up the A to Z. I didn't think I do it this year with all that's going on in my life. But I did.

Onwards and upwards as they say.

 If you've call into my blog during the A to Z and I've not dropped by your's yet I'll be playing catch up over the next week or so. In the meantime, keep blogging!