When your best is not good enough

Sadly, positive thinking wasn’t enough. I did the best I could up against two internal much younger  male candidates.

I actually thought when I came out of the room I might have got it. Apparently, it was a close run thing.

Possibly. But I’m a 52 year old woman. I guess the odds were stacked against me no matter how well I performed.

Now I have one month to find a job or the boys and I are in deep trouble. I’d like to think my husband would help out but he blatantly doesn’t give a shit. I’ve only just had a £200 contribution to my son’s £800 airfare that I paid back in November. Since then I’ve had his car insurance and breakdown cover and he’s not contributed to those at all.

I feel sorry for my boys. I’m trying my very best and it’s just not good enough.

I wonder if my husband ever, even for one moment, thought about the ramifications of quitting his executive job without having a job to go to or making any financial plans. Or the consequences of sitting on his arse for months waiting for someone to gift him a job.

No. He didn’t.  One day a spontaneous apology would be welcome but I won’t hold my breath.

Positive Thinking Please

I am a great believer in positive thinking. Even when the crap keeps coming your way.

Okay, so I am being made redundant on Wednesday. It was moved a month forward (too long to explain) which has given me less time to find a job. Luckily, (or unluckily as it turns out) I was offered a job fairly quickly with the added bonus of a nice pay rise just before Christmas. But after having picked up the contract a few days ago I can only describe it as a “third world” contract. After discussions and alterations, I am still not happy.  I am not happy to the extent I have withdrawn my interest in the job as it has the potential to put me in an extremely vulnerable position. Frankly, I am shocked that such a contract even exists in the UK.

So I have got another job interview on Wednesday for a role I really want and need or life is going to get even tougher for me and my boys.  It’s a job I’ve never done before but I believe within my capabilities. I need all you folks out there to send me positive vibes on Wednesday morning.

Positive vibes, prayers, telepathy, however you generate your positive thinking. Wednesday morning folks.

Let’s do it.

New Year Update

I have had a number of requests from different sources to update my blog so, finally, here I am.

Firstly, I want to thank all those of you who have continued to pop over here over the course of the last year. It has been heartening to see that my blog has not been entirely abandoned and that people still want to read my musings or check on my wellbeing. Thank you all very much.

So, the last year has not been easy. There have been many times I've wanted to let off steam on my blog. However, I decided that for the moment, at least, I will not directly write about the traumas I
have been going through. I am not yet divorced, primarily because my life has been so chaotic with endless problems arising that I have not yet completed all the paperwork. But I shall be granted a divorce of that there is no doubt. The terms will either be settled in mediation or, if need be, in court.

And I will not be signing my husband's small print clauses to silence my voice. That might mean going to court and stripping away my last few assets. But so be it. I had a very frugal upbringing and can do without and I am a lot tougher than people think. I'm not going to be sticking my head in the oven or blowing my brains over a divorce or being broke - a world shortage of chocolate maybe. But a divorce? No.

So the good news is that I still I have a sense of humour and this is what has kept me going alongside the support of my many friends. I have some awesome friends. I still find time to laugh daily and slowly I am healing.




What's more, I even got asked on a date last week! I declined though. I have enough crap going on
without dealing with date dilemmas and men who think with their penises rather than their brains. (I might have to revisit this subject in length at some point.)

I would be lying though if I denied the fact that I have shed a lot of tears over the last year but these
are not tears over the end of my relationship they are tears of frustration, anger and sadness at the problems I have been left to deal with and the fallout that has directly my children's future and wellbeing. The tears intensify every time my husband's family try to manoeuvre my children away from me. However, this manoeuvring hasn't worked so far and it won't because I am my children's rock and they know I would lay down my life for them.

On the work front, I have three jobs, lost one through the company going into receivership and am shortly to lose the third through redundancy. I have had a tonne of other crap to deal with which I shan’t even bother to write about for fear of this blog becoming an essay.

However, here I am. I am alive, facing my struggles head-on and doing the best I can in very trying circumstances. I am sad to be leaving my current job as it has been a source of great pleasure and friendship in a difficult time but life goes on and hopefully a new adventure awaits me.

On a different note, as you can see my blog appareance has started to change as I am thinking about
writing again. I think it will be sporadic at first but expect to see me back here more regularly in the coming months.

And we shall have some fun! Laughter is always the best medicine. Finding humour in the small things around me is probably what’s saved me in the last few years.

And I don’t intend to stop laughing until I stop breathing.

Ideas, Please.

Okay, folks. Time to come out of the woodwork. I need ideas and themes to write about. Anything you fancy. Next week needs to be Humour Week on this blog so hit me with your ideas and I'll see what I can come up with.

Update: So I never got to write a Humour week. Unfortunately, life is just a little too complicated at the moment. However, feel free to list any ideas below so when my nightmare marriage is over I can get back to writing. I am hoping this will be before the end of the year.

Please God let that be the case so I can start the year afresh!

Still Alive and Kicking

Well the good news is I am still alive. I am also hideously bored at the moment at work so I am doing the inconceivable and writing a post. Unfortunately, my work hours are not the best and sometimes I have to work until 10.30pm. Not ideal as a now single parent. And whilst Master Ben is 16 he is not always the best at cooking himself tea.

Sadly, this is the legacy of a marriage breakdown.

Ah, well. I tried my best. And paid a heavy price.

Anyway, on lighter matters my lovely son, Jacob, left to go the US on Wednesday on a tennis scholarship. It's been an emotional few days as I am very close to my boys and whilst I was excited for Jacob that his new adventure was beginning, I was also very sad at his departure. Here's a picture of Jacob (on the left) and his friend James who were travelling together to Kansas. I've now been writing this blog for 10 years so if you remember Jacob as a small boy you'll probably be surprised at how he looks now!

On other matters, I am wondering if I should sign up to a dating site and amuse myself between customers. Thoughts anyone? However, if any of you ladies out there know any eligible single men who'd appreciate an overweight but, hopefully, entertaining humourist do send them my way. I'm not overly fussy - so long as they're taller than Tom Cruise and have a sense of humour I'm interested. (At my age I can't afford to be fussy. However, ending up with a fella shorter than Tiny Tom after years of ridiculing him would be the ultimate humiliation.)

Any other qualities I'm looking for? Hmm...

Must like frozen pizza.
Must appreciate the arts.
Knows how to balance a cheque book but doesn't have to be loaded.
Preferably looks good in Speedos and tinned spaghetti but if he can make me laugh I can make an exception.

So girls get looking for me. And any blokes dropping by drop me a comment in you're on the market. ( Keep it clean though -  I have a sensitive nature.)

Applications from senile multi-millionaires also welcome. Preferably with a heart condition.

I am a humour writer

I am a humour writer
I am a humour writer
I am a humour writer

I am thinking folks that if I keep telling myself I am a humour writer eventually my humour will return. Not that it ever really left but these days other priorities have to take place over indulging myself with cavorting around on the net or writing mentally challenging fiction. (I'll let you decided in which way my fiction is mentally challenging.)

The good news is I've had some awesome ideas and inspiration for some new novels. It may be some time before I get them down on paper but I predict new heights of stupidity on the comedy front and drama on the thriller front from me in the years to come.

And we have a female PM to follow. And Brexit. And Jeremy Corbyn. And Diane Abbot. And Boris Johnson.

And Donald Trump!

Oh dear God. Could a humour writer ask for anything better? Not really. It's so unfortunate I have to go to work and not find time to be creative when there is so much going on in the world at the moment that needs analyzing on my blog.

Oh well maybe I could do a little something...

Watch this space.

Midnight thoughts

It's nearly 12 pm. My hands are covered with paint as I prepare my home for viewing by the estate agents. I'm tired and emotional.

Earlier in the day, I watched my youngest son, the no 1 seed in a tennis tournament (which is based on his past record) crash out in the second round to an opponent with not even half his talent. It's tough watching your child be defeated but when only three years ago they won a national tennis title at Wimbledon it's a lot harder.

And I wonder why I wasted so much of my life with someone who has created so much havoc in our lives and who, even now,  refuses to rise above his narcissistic self-esteem issues to salvage anything for his children.

There is such a burning anger in me. I know I should let it go or it may destroy me. But right now, when he has taken so much from me, destroyed every aspect of our marriage, stripped me of my family inheritance and the ability to secure the future for my children through his foolish actions, there is no forgiveness in me.

Nor will there ever be.

I have now cast aside all my trust, patience, forgiveness and my love.

And I will use my anger to drive me forward.

https://youtu.be/2vjPBrBU-TM