Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Blogging A to Z: Y is for that Bloody Awful Noise Otherwise Known as "Yodelling"

What I want to know is how do people in Austria and Germany live with all that unbearable yodelling echoing down the mountains, blasting around your head and giving you 24 hour non-stop migraines?

It's no wonder Hitler was insane. No doubt he spent a tortured youth being subjected to hours of incessant yodelling. It must have been like having severe tinnitus whilst simultaneously having your head trapped between two cymbals.

You know, I'm really surprised some great historian like A J P Taylor never came up with yodelling as a suggestion for the cause of Hitler's insanity.

So I'm going to change all that today. Now my historical credentials are excellent as I have a degree in History and this means that no one can challenge my expertise (much). The fact that I haven't looked at a history book for thirty years should be not be an issue as, luckily, I read The Daily Mail which keeps me up to date with all the latest facts and historical opinions.

So, in my capacity as a historical expert, on this day, April 29th 2015, I am putting my theory out to the world.

Hitler was driven insane in his youth by merciless and relentless high-pitched yodelling.

As proof of this I am now going to use musical evidence in support of my claim.




You can easily see from this video how yodelling causes insanity as the gentlemen starring in it has taken to wearing a chimney brush on his head and wearing trousers that are too small for him.

Now in Britain this sort of attire would lead in to incarceration in a lunatic asylum. In Germany and Austria is it leads to madness and an obsession with world domination.

So there you have it - my theory proven. I await my Nobel Peace Prize for research in due course.



Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Blogging A to Z: X is for X the Kissable Letter

It's time for one of those really tricky letters;

X

Now in order to get some inspiration for this post, I went onto one of those online dictionaries to look at words beginning with X. Sadly, this left me rather depressed as I didn't know most of them which is a tad embarrassing because, at my age, I should probably know more x words other than Xmas and xylophone. Anyway since it's nearly 11pm and I am too lazy old to absorb new information, I've decided  I'm going to simplify the matter and just talk about the letter X all by itself! Hurrah. I love keeping things simple!

Okay, so X  by itself is often used as an abbreviation for "Kiss". Sometimes girlfriends end their texts, emails and letters with a X as a sign of affection but they never do that with a man unless they are in luvvvvvvv - otherwise it might give a man the wrong idea which might be a bit tricky if he turns out to be a Justin Bieber fan. Sometimes when women are really, really in luvvvvvv they do even more crazy things like this:

This picture was drawn by a very, very sad and obsessed woman.who absolutely,
 definitely , 100% positively bears no resemblance to me whatsoever. 


X is also used as an abbreviation for the saying "X marks the spot" which is a way of identifying a particular place. For example, X would mark the site of a treasure chest on a map.

Similarly, I have an X on the front of Mr T's cheque book, his share certificates and his life insurance policy.

X is also used as a signature if you can't sign you name. I have seen this done twice. The first time was when I worked in a shop and a customer needed to sign their name on a receipt. The second time was at a pub when UKIP leader Nigel Farage was signing his tab. (That's a bill behind the bar.) I was surprised Nigel could only put an X on the tab but, then again, he was standing next to Labour leader, Ed Miliband who had put an "O" on his tab. Maybe Nigel thought he was being clever? Hmm. You know, it might have been a Westminster night-on-the-town as David Cameron and Nick Clegg were playing Paper, Stones and Scissors across the otherside of the room and the leader of the Scottish National Party was wearing a funny skirt and blowing raspberries.

Anyway, it will come as no surprise to my UK readers that our MPs ( Members of Parliament) and politicians get up to all sorts of tricks when they're relaxing, especially on Fridays, now that we have taken up the US tradition of "Dress Down Friday" where folks relax a little at work by wearing casual clothes. Anyway, I found a picture of Nigel Farage on the last Dress Down Friday. I thought you might like to see it.



So that concludes my X post. Only two more letters to go. Since I haven't had much time to read other blogs and comment during the A-Z challenge I plan to catch-up on after the challenge is over. In the meantime, it's good night from Nigel and it's good night from me.

Good night. 

X

Monday, April 27, 2015

Blogging A to Z: W is for W Words That Really Annoy Me


Wizard

Whenever I hear the word "wizard" my brain goes numb. But if I hear it in combination with any of the following words: "Harry Potter," "Hermoine," Ron Weasley and "Dumbledore" I pray for spontaneous combustion. If I never see or hear the word "wizard" again it will be too soon.

Weight Watchers

Ugh. For obvious reasons.

Wig.

A word which strikes terror in every living women.

Warhammer

Warhammer is a war game played with model soldiers that cost an absolute fortune and is mind-numbingly boring on a par with Monopoly (see my "M" post.) The manufacturers of Warhammer also have the audacity to sell the soldiers unfinished which means long-suffering parents of Warhammer addicts have to spend hours gluing the ruddy pieces together or sponging paint off the furniture.

Dire Avenger Shrine Web Bundle
Warhammer - the game every parent loves to hate.

Wehrmacht

No particular reason. *cough, cough*

Whiskers

I dislike them on men. I dislike them even more on myself. When people mistake you for Popeye it can be very dispiriting.

Wobbly

A word that has unpleasant connotations and is often used in conjunction with descriptions of my derriere.

Weak

A word that you increasingly grow to despise as you get older as it crops up in lots of forms and precedes lots of words. For example: weak spot, weak knees, weak heart, weak eyesight and worst of all - weak bladder.

Withdrawal

A deeply unsatisfying word. Not one I like to use often.

Wittgenstein.

Because you know that as soon as anyone says "Wittgenstein" they are going to be the most boring dinner guest ever.

Why?

A word that has too many associations with small children, earache and painful car journeys.

Wifi

A word which I closely associate with British Telecommunications (BT) and which has the ability to cause week-long migraines and suicidal thoughts.

Whippet

A legitimate word but unfortunately, if it is interpreted wrongly, can land you in serious trouble.

Wrinkle

A word that grows on you but not in a good way.


You can check out the other Blogging A to Z candidates HERE.

Previous posts:

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Blogging A to Z: V is for Voters and Voting

So let's talk about voters and voting because it's been an interesting time lately in the US with Hillary Clinton announcing she is going to run for the presidency and in the UK where we are on the countdown to the next general election on May 7th.

In the US it is going to be fascinating to see how women vote and whether Hillary's gender will influence the way people vote in the same way that colour appeared to do so in the election of Barack Obama. Here in the UK, we are one step ahead in our recognition of female politicians with the reign of Margaret Thatcher as Prime Minister between May 1979 and November 1990. Mrs Thatcher's policies divided the nation and, over twenty years later, their legacies still ignite the most furious and vitriolic debates. However, there's no doubt, that whatever the disputes, Mrs Thatcher will remain one of the most significant politicians of the twentieth century. Her legacy as a women who challenged the status quo and won is even greater.

Embracing change, whether it is on a personal level or as a society or nation is not always easy. We only need to look at the history of feminism and slavery to see that the path to change is often bloody and difficult. Here in UK it is evident we are in a period of political change - the last election resulted in the first full coalition since Churchill's wartime government. And now, as we face another election, no one can predict the outcome with any certainty.

This political uncertainty demonstrates how British voters are aware of the need for change even if they have not yet determined the way forward. Of course, some are focussed on personal circumstances but I think far more are also aware that as a nation, and as a global community, we need to recognise and respond to the increasing inequalities in the distribution of wealth and resources, the consequences of overpopulation and the growing certainty of climate change.

Personal and political change are two of the most consistent themes in my novel The Changing Room (hence the title). In the story, my heroine, Sandy Lovett, deals with personal loss and in doing so rediscovers the political beliefs that lay dormant in her years as mother and carer. Subsequently, when she stands for election to parliament it is a reflection, not just of her personal need to change and add value to her life, but also the need to change and contribute to society.

So to get back to the theme of voters and voting. I think it is very important that voters make themselves heard. In the last general election 65.1% of the electorate voted - but that means 35% did NOT vote and nothing makes me madder than people who moan about politicians and then cannot be bothered to vote. I don't endorse the Russell Brand school of thought that not voting is the surest way of showing public discontent and forcing change. I think it it is foolish to think the status quo will change that way in a democratic society and, unless Brand wants to incite bloody revolution, then the only way forward is to make politicians more aware, and more accountable, through the ballot box.

Like many people in the UK I have lost a lot of respect for politicians over the course of my life. Mrs Thatcher, whether you agreed with policies or not, at least commanded respect. Sadly, some of our recent politicians have been involved in seedy financial and sexual scandals beyond what any of us would consider accidental or affairs of the heart - and here is where our change must start. We need to vote into parliament dedicated men and women of integrity and honor. We need to vote into power men and women who, individually, are capable of putting their differences aside and working with others, if need be by negotiation at a shared table. We need to vote into power men and women who truly understand and accept the responsibilities their job entails and are committed to working for the good of every man, woman and child in this country and the wider world.

Your vote is your voice. Whether you live in the UK, the US or anywhere else, please use it.

(Normal silly service will resume on Monday with the letter W.)

You can check out the other Blogging A to Z candidates HERE.

Previous posts:

Friday, April 24, 2015

Blogging A to Z: U is for U Cannot be Serious and Uranus

Now I've been thinking over the blogging A to Z posts I've done so far and I've realised they've been a bit...well...how can I say it? Um...

Slipshod. And unintellectual.

Yes, that about sums it up. I think I peaked with the lazy posts yesterday because I actually fell asleep whilst writing my T is for for Thongs post. (That's completely true.) And I woke up at 11.24 pm and all I'd written was a couple of lines and posted a picture. So then I had to find a way to finish the blog post as quickly as I could before I missed the 12pm deadline.

So anyway, I feel a bit embarrassed by my lackadaisical manner especially as, on the occasions I've hopped around some of the other participating blogs, I've found some highly intellectual and informative posts.

So I've decided that tonight I should write something intellectual too. So I'm going to write about Uranus!

Okay, so Uranus is pretty big and round. It has lots of gas and is surrounded by rings.

Pretty interesting stuff eh?

Now to study it further it would really help if you all could now get yourself a partner and we'll get down to the details.

Now, this next bit is a little delicate but it will really help in understanding all about Uranus - so please get your partner to drop their trousers and bend over. If you're a sad and lonely person and haven't got a partner or a friend you can use a mirror.

Now put on some rubber gloves and get some vaseline at the ready.

 Oh excuse me for a moment, folks. Master Jacob (he's the sensible son) wants a word in my ear.

What?

No really?

U cannot be serious.

Well that's not what I was taught at school.

You're sure?

A 100% sure?

You're absolutely sure you're 100% sure?

Yes yes, you can have the last jam doughnut.

Okay folks, I'm back. And I am a tad embarrassed. I'm afraid Master Jacob has told me that I have been misinformed and that Uranus is ..well...not what I thought it was ...it's actually a planet. Like Mars and Saturn. I thought it was well...well...uranus.

Oh gosh. I don't know how I didn't know this at my age. Although it does explain why my science teacher threw me out of a lesson once when she asked me to show her Uranus and I obliged. I thought she was just one of those mad menopausal teacher types - you know the ones - with Jesus sandals and a fetish for artificial sweetner.

Oh dear, dear, dear. I shall have to try and do better tomorrow. I shall have to do something really intellectual tomorrow to make up for today.

I know!

I'll do a post on Venus. I've got lots of knowledge about Venus.

Uranus as seen by Voyager 2
Master Jacob tells me this Uranus. It looks like a ping pong ball to me. 
You can check out the other Blogging A to Z candidates HERE.

Previous posts:


Thursday, April 23, 2015

Blogging A to Z: T is for Thongs

Brace yourselves, readers. This could be a shocking post, especially if you have delicate sensibilities, as I have been asked to write about a rather intimate subject.

Thongs.


In particular, I have been asked to write about this one:

As you can see it is a male thong. Well I think so.  It looks like an extra small size though which means it can't
hold anything much bigger than a pork chipolata,

Now, first of all, I have to state the obvious and what every respectable woman would say.

OH. DEAR. GOD.

Secondly, I have to say:

IS THIS FOR REAL?

Thirdly:

PASS ME THE BUCKET.

And finally, should you want this thong it is for sale, made to order, on Ebay in the US and so far the retailer has sold 94.

And now I must go to sleep with that disturbing that thought that there are 94 men who own this product.

I may have nightmares tonight.


You can check out the other Blogging A to Z candidates HERE.

Previous posts:

The Witty Woman Is Still Not Dead

The news is I am not yet dead. But I am now 61. Jesus. That’s on the outside lane to six foot under. However, I haven’t quite reached the st...